A Temple Remodel

The Grief Wing

2010-08-02T15:55:00.002-05:00

I started to title this the Grief Room, but in this temple it seems to have an entire wing. Sort of a split level actually. There's the traditional section of grieving for friends and family that have left this life, then there's the section that grieves things in this life - like the autism stuff, and broken relationships, and dreams/hopes that didn't materialize. I'm not good with grief. Never have been, not sure I ever will be. The last week has forced me to spend some time in the grief wing and I don't like it.

A week ago my best friend's dad passed away. As I talked to her on the phone I found that I had way too little to offer. Had I been there I would have wrapped her up in my arms, held her and prayed over her, but you can't do all of that on the phone. I did get to go down for the visitation and funeral. I felt so inadequate. I wanted to make things better for her, and I just couldn't.

Trying to be there for her and spending time in prayer over this loss had me wondering around my own grief history. I literally had images of wondering around in a wing of the temple looking at all the faces like they were pictures on the wall. Umpa James, Daddy Bill, Papa & Bebe, Sandy (my father-in-law), and several other family members floated through my thoughts. Then I turned to another wall and saw others - Mark, the brother of my high-school sweetheart - the first time I dealt with a death I really didn't know how to handle. Tess' grandmother, Ruth Dooley, Wayne Wright, Jim Hance, and Bradley. They all (and others) filtered through my thoughts, the specifics of their place in my life rolling over me in little waves. It wasn't fun. I don't like the grief wing, but I think I said that already.

Today another picture got hung on the wall. An old youth group pal was killed in a car accident this morning. Kevin's picture is right next to Brad's in my head. So sad. A wife and two kids left. Parents loosing a child. I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. I don't know what to do with it.

Sadly, my flesh becomes strong when my spirit is weak and I seem to attempt comfort in ways that are not healthy. Grieving the loss of my grandfathers (or rather, not grieving them as the case really was) is what triggered the major depression I survived in my early 20's. That's where the initial weight gain came from - that depression. So this last week as I wondered around in my grief wing I found myself making bad choices. I ate fatty foods and I drank DP and I really just wanted to be left alone in a quiet room.

HOWEVER, I choose not to stay there. I know that as I get older I will have to visit this part of the temple from time to time. Some of those visits will be harder than others. And I suppose at some point in this life the frequency of those visits will increase. The beautiful part is that now I know that it is just a small part of the temple. It's not the whole thing! It doesn't have to take over. I can go there and mourn and cry and ask God to help me get up and go back to another part of this life that he created for me. And He'll pick me up, dry my tears, and carry back into the joy that exists in my everyday life. He'll show me the miracles that walk around in plain sight. He'll remind me that He is in control and that as long as I love and trust Him I have nothing to worry about. He says to me,"When you don't know what to do with it, just give it to Me. It's really Mine anyway."

I know these things to be true because God is in every room on every level, in every closet, and under every bed. I don't have to run around looking for Him. I simply call out His name and then feel His presence because this temple is His. Thank you Father for being present in every moment.

Progress Report

2010-07-27T16:14:00.003-05:00

Feeling pretty good this week. Since my confessional post last week I have lost 3 pounds. Did pretty good on workouts last week - Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Thursday was just a walk on the treadmill - but it was great. The kids were having a horrible morning. We wooke up late, had to get Tripp to ESY, the girls were cranky......so after we dropped off T I let the girls watch tv and I walked off the morning's frustrations. Had a great day after that. Friday I didn't do a specific workout but Mom and I did take the kids to the pool and let me tell you, walking in the pool with children attached to you is exercise! I slept to well that night!!!

Food went alright. I think I had 3 Dr. Peppers - much better than the 7 per week I had been averaging. No sweets or desserts. I did have french fries on Sunday, but nothing else fried. I've got August's meal calendar complete, just need to do the grocery lists.

House cleaning system is going so-so, keeping up with laundry fine, but still stuggling with the floors. Doesn't help that my vaccuum is making that hot smell when I turn it on and Easy just changed the belts 2 weeks ago.

No progress happening on kids stuff - still need to work on fall visuals/schedules as well as making a lists of who needs what before school starts. It's a bit daunting.

So that's all the external stuff.....internally it has been a great week. I love being in a place where I feel like I'm learning new things. I think if I could stop loosing focus I could stay put with my spirit open to hear His whenever He speaks - wouldn't that be fabulous?!?!?! I feel like I was closer to God this past week than I have been in quite some time. Perhaps it's because I confessed my laziness and my sin of filling up with food and not the Father. Kinda feels like He gave me this great reward for owning up to what I've done the last 8 months. Of course, it hasn't all been roses. I've been quite convicted in a few areas, but that's what it takes to move forward so I'm not complaining.

I need to run - busy evening ahead, just wanted to post the progress so I'm being accountable. Prayers for continued focus are appreciated!!

Affirmation

2010-07-21T13:44:00.002-05:00

I was reading today and received a word of affirmation so I thought I'd share it with you. A little back story...........at somepoint during the last year I was processing some stuff with my sweet mom and I used the term disobedient to describe a choice a made. At the time she questioned if that was the right word to use. My response was pretty simple - "Well, God told me not do it and I did it anyway." Then she agreed that it was the right word. Here's a quote from Battlefield of the Mind:

Disobedience is disregarding the voice of the Lord,
or whatever God is speaking to us personally,
not just transgressing the Ten Commandments.

We tend to think of disobedience as breaking a clearly established rule. For my kids, the "House Rules" are clearly defined and they know they will have consequences if they choose to break them. Life as a faithful Christian isn't so easily defined though. In fact, clear cut rules and regulations are quite contrary to some of the teachings in the new testament. ...a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. (Gal. 2:16)

So where does that leave us with obedience? Well, one basic premise, or rule if you like that word, is clear - believe. Believe in Jesus. Believe in God. Believe God. Very timely for me I think that we are doing Beth Moore's Believing God study this fall during LBC. It focuses on moving from believing in God to believing God. What does that mean? Here's an example:

When God told me not to do that thing I did I didn't believe Him. I didn't believe anyone else would do it if I didn't - which really means I didn't believe God would take care of it. Yikes. I believed in God, but I didn't believe Him when he said He could take care of it and it wasn't my job to do it.

So why is it so hard to believe when we feel God speaking in our spirit? That would be doubt. I think we are often guilty of not spending the time it takes to attune ourselves to the Spirit. Satan likes that. It makes it easy for him to attack us with doubt. Even when we know that we know that we know that we have heard from God, it is easy for Satan to cause us to doubt the source. Because we are not practiced in communication with Him we wonder which voice we really heard. We wonder if it's just our own voice, we wonder if it's Satan's voice, the voices of others seem so much louder than the voice we heard......and the list goes on. Please know that I didn't hear an audible voice. When I say voice I'm really describing the inner prompting you feel when the Spirit moves. I do think we need to pray expecting to hear from God.....we also need to practice listening with our spirit........and when He speaks we need to obey. Because disobedience has consequences.

Struggling Confession/Accountability Call

2010-07-20T16:06:00.002-05:00

Hmmmm......after an absence like this I don't know where to start..........so I'll start with the truth. I've undone some remodeling. I've gained 15 pounds. There, I said it........now I hope you will help me deal with it.

OK, so here's the deal - it's been a rough last 12 months. I could list lots of reasons that the last 12 months of my life we stressful and difficult and emotionally exhausting and blah blah blah. Here's the bottom line truth I've come to accept though - there are consequences to disobedience. Duh, right? I teach my kids that on a daily basis. So why is that a lesson I'm still learning?

About a year ago I spent some serious prayer time beseeching God for an answer to a pretty specific question. I felt very clearly that he gave me one. "No, don't do it." Guess what, I did it anyway. Doesn't really matter what "it" was, the point here is that I felt an answer in my spirit and allowed my flesh to act in opposition to that answer. So what were the consequences? The details don't matter, but there definitely was more stress in my life than there needed to be. And when I'm stressed............well, I eat. I feel like I deserve it. Like somehow it is a valid reward. I also realized part way through the year why I was so stressed out but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Then I felt guilty...........so I ate some more. Then I realized I was eating more than I should and that I wasn't making good choices...........which made me "feel bad about myself"..........so I ate some more. Gee, do you think perhaps I was listening to Satan's voice and not the Father's? I even said things to myself like "but look how big you were after Vivi, you're no where near that so it's OK." Um, no, not OK.

So, now what do I do? I can be a good wife, a good mom, and I can work in the gifts/ministry God has called me to. What does that look like? Well it starts with plate balancing - I'm in the process of removing all the activities that don't help me be a better wife, mom, writer, or teacher. I already have more peace having taken some of those steps. They have been well received by those they affect and I am thankful for their understanding and support.

I was recently convicted about this physical body yet again though. It is the vessel God gave me with which to accomplish all those things He calls me to do on this earth. I should be taking better care of it. So here I am, yet again needing to overhaul the temple - head to toe, mind to heart. I am no longer comparing myself to where I was 4 years ago. That battle is over. This is a different one. It may look the same on the outside, but I know that the terrain is different. This battle is one that I must rely on God to win because I so clearly can not do it in my own strength. Yes, I have new skills, weapons, perspectives, but so does Satan. So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet because my God deserves the best of what I have. I know when I'm giving Him my all He will fill me with strength and power I can't even comprehend. And I'm counting on that because it sure feels like Satan has outsmarted me for the past year.

I covet your prayers, your words of encouragement, your shared journey, even your admonishment. Please help keep me accountable. I intend to post at least weekly and update the sidebars under Progress Report. I am hungry for communication in this struggle - here, on FB, in person........I have felt very alone for the last year, but when I look around I see I am surrounded by people that I know will help me if I ask. So I'm asking.

Empty

2010-02-18T15:41:00.003-06:00

So, it's been quite a while since the last post. I admit that Facebook is getting most of my posts these days. Perhaps that because I only think in 1-2 sentence segments. Today, however, I find myself needing to pour out a little and to ask for the prayers of anyone reading this.

Just in case any of you don't play on FB and missed the posts last fall, Paris was in fact diagnosed with Aspeerger's Syndrome. Since my last post we got the diagnosis, went through the process with the school district and now have appropriate labels and supports in place. We've started her on the same supplement Tripp takes to boost her body's production of glutathione and we are taking her to the therapeutic riding place where Tripp goes as well. She's actually doing really well right now.

I think that's part of why I find myself struggling at the moment. She and Tripp and Vivie are all doing really well. We've moved out of the barely surviving stage we were in for months and are doing well. As my mom pointed out though, when things are going well I actually have time to feel - and it doesn't neccessarily feel good. When I'm in survivial mode I can just work my guts out to get through the day and then pass out so I can do it all over again. There's no time to think or feel. No time to see the things I'm not getting done. No time to see where I'm not being obedient to God's call on my life. But now that things are going better with the kids.................yeah, not doing so great personally.

I think part of it is finally acknowledging that I have to kids with autism. Still hard to say that. Still makes me want to cry sometimes. It's not just that though. Another person that I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer last week. Prognosis is great and I have very little doubt that the treatment plan is going to obliterate the cancer. But, seriously, I'm tired of this! I had a friend tell me recently that I can't afford to sweat the small stuff because my life is full of the big stuff. Well I'm kinda sick of big stuff.

I recently spoke at a women's event at church. It was a message that I enjoyed sharing - that I enjoyed learning - that God put on my heart just for that event. I realize now that since that day I have been under attack. Now, I realize not all of you reading this may truly beleive in spirtual warfare. But I do. And I'm telling you that Satan didn't like the message I shared. He didn't like that in the midst of my life of "big stuff" I still let God give me that message and was obedient in sharing it. He's ramped up his battle against me and I confess that I have faltered. I am struggling. I'd rather hide in bed and eat chocolate than do anything. Actually, I have hidden in bed and eaten chocolate. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm tearful. I was reminded this week at ladies' class how important it is to recognize when we're under attack. Now I see it. Now I can fight it because now I remember that I can call upon the strength of the Lord to get through these days.

Friends - pray for me. Pray that Satan will back off. Pray that I will stand strong in Christ and KNOW that God is God and I am not. Pray that I will rely on the strength of the Lord and heed the stirrings of the Holy Spirit. Pray that I will be obedient and allow God's work in and through me to be done. Pray continually - because I am under attack.

A Word about Demolition

2009-09-24T18:06:00.003-05:00

So here's the thing about remodeling - it's not the same as redecorating. As I look over the journey I've taken regarding the physical parts of this temple I realize that it was mostly redecorating. It's the exterior. I'm not saying it's been easy or that I didn't have to destroy some seriously false beliefs and thoughts along the way, but it was really just redecorating. Paris has been wanting to redecorate her room. We told her we can redo her room for her 8thb-day (next summer) and she's is enjoying coming up with ideas for that. Currently we are considering dark purple and hot pink and perhaps some words written above her closet - Rock n Roll. She's a hoot. Redecorating with her will be fun. If we started knocking out walls and such though - well it could get pretty messy.

So, if I'm going to stay in the remodeling process, it's time to talk about why it's different than just changing the shell. Remodeling often, if not always, requires some kind of demolition. Demolition hurts. It's ripping out walls, changing the floor plan, adding rooms. It's cutting, nailing, sawing. It's noisy. It's messy. BUT, if you have the right contractor it all gets cleaned up and put together and looks great on the other side of the mess. My belief is that when the Master Carpenter is in charge of the remodel, it actually turns out better than you planned. But the demolition still hurts.

This week I've been coming to terms again with the fact the my children's future isn't going to look just like I imagined when I gave birth to them. In reality I guess no child's future is exactly what their parents pictured on day one. When Tripp was diagnosed on the autism spectrum a grieving process began. Though God has faithfully brought me through that initial pain, I know that I will continue to grieve the loss of what I thought his life was going to be. Now don't get me wrong, I know that God has big plans for my little Monkey. I think Tripp is going to grow into an amazing young man and will be capable of having fulfilling relationships and a job that fits him perfectly. But it's going to be a challenge. And it isn't going to be the journey I pictured in my head when I found out I was having a baby boy. Different isn't necessarily worse, but we still grieve the loss of what we thought life would be.

This week I feel like a new room is being demolished. I took Paris to the doctor on Wednesday to begin the process of having her evaluated for...something. We're honestly not sure what. We've considered ADD, Dyslexia, Depression, and even Asperger's Syndrome. We had our "initial interview" this week and I think this huge part of me wanted to hear our doc say "No, I don't think this is a spectrum deal. Let's look more closely at ADD." I didn't hear that. What I did hear was that we need to do some formal testing and look really closely at this. Asperger's is clearly on the table. It is a real possibility that another of my children will diagnostically be placed on the autism spectrum. Do you hear the walls being ripped apart? This. Hurts.

Now, in reality, it's doesn't matter what label Paris winds up carrying around. I love my daughter. She's struggling right now and I will do any and everything in my power to make life better for her. But my power only goes so far and that's the scary part. When it comes to ASDs you can only do so much and then you just have to see how it goes. I don't like the unknowns. I don't like the life-long part. I don't like seeing my child in pain. I don't like any of this.

BUT

I do like knowing that the Master Carpenter is in control. I like knowing that though it's not easy, when I submit to His work the end product is more beautiful than I could have imagined up on my own. I like knowing that my children are His children and His love and mercy and grace are bigger than I can fathom. Yes, I know that He will see us all through no matter what the outcome of these evaluations are. The floor plan may be changing, but the temple is still His, and on the days that it feels like the floor is being ripped from beneath me I take comfort in knowing that He is simply adding a new story - a new level of our relationship. Going deeper takes digging. Remodeling often requires demolition.

Father, I submit to Your work. In me and in my children. Please give me peace as we walk this new part of the journey. Thank you Lord for not asking me to walk it alone, but carrying me along when I can't go any further. Thank you for sweet friends and an amazing family that hold me up when I am tired. I am so richly blessed Lord. I love you. Amen.

News Flash

2009-09-09T17:50:00.003-05:00

this blog will become active again by the end of September. stay tuned..............

Rushing Water

2009-04-14T20:30:00.002-05:00

So God is calling me in some new directions. Or maybe they are old directions that He is reminding me He wants me to go. Sorry, I'm not ready to be too specific here. What I can say is that it's kind of like standing in a river.

The river is clear and calm and the perfect temperature. You can see your bare feet if you look down. Then it rains. One of those flash flood kind of deals that you are not prepared for at all. The river isn't so clear anymore, can't see your feet. The water is moving quicker, and it's rising. Just about the time things are starting to settle something up river shifts. A change in a life that isn't your own, but touches you none the less. It's a torrential flood up there. You can see the water coming downstream. There's a lot of it. You know God is in control of it, but it looks scary. It just may wash you away. You can trust Him. He won't let you drown. Here it comes....................

Quick, grab a branch! Hold on with all you've got. Don't ever let go. Even if you survive the rapids, you don't know what lies ahead. There could be deep murky waters, or maybe drought. It's safe here. You know this river. It's never hurt you before. Just stay put.

Trust Me. I will wash your sins away. I have work for you to do. Things you can't even imagine await you. Trust Me.

But you're a weak swimmer! You can't do this on your own. You'll never make it. This is SCARY! Don't let go!

Let go and trust Me.

Friends, pray for me that I listen to the voice of my Father and not that of satan. Help me as my sweet friend Kara did tonight to let go of the that branch one finger at a time until I'm washed clean down stream into the life God has planned for me - no matter what that looks like.

So you let go. Your listen and you let go. You have faith in His provision so you let go of what is comfortable and familiar. You toss and tumble through raging waters and waterfalls. And just when you think you can't possible take another moment, there is peace. As you catch your breath and stand in the smooth crystal clear water you look back at the path you took and in it you see all the beauty of God's creation. And you know that you have been created anew in Him. Now you are free to move with the flow of the river, whereve it might take you.

Natural Disaster

2009-03-02T18:51:00.002-06:00

This temple is flooded with tears of grief, yet the foundation sings out songs of praise.

Father, we love you.
We worship and adore you.
Glorify thy name in all the earth.

You are the one that we praise.
You are the one we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.

Father I don't understand but I know that You are LOVE. And your love for Brad was made complete today. I believe you work all things for good. Help me with my unbelief.

2009

2009-01-01T10:27:00.002-06:00

Well, Happy New Year to the handful of you that still check in on this blog! I know I haven't been very good about updating here - sorry about that. So, in the spirit of reflection here is a brief catch up on the physical part of this remodel............

Total weight lost since launching this blog: 45 pounds - original goal weight acheived!

I've been working with a dear friend since May and she has really helped me learn a lot about how I eat and what changes need to be made. With her gentle guidance I have decided to drop my goal weight by another 5 pounds and I have set a "naked max." That is the maximum I allow myself to weigh when I'm naked - the way I always weigh at home.

So, here's the plan for this coming year:

Goal: 145 pounds

Naked Max: 153 pounds

Food: Continue to monitor closely both the sugar and fat content of my food. Increase fresh fruits and veggies (again). My main goal when it comes to food this year is to learn how to keep it going year round. I do REALLY well in the summer when the schedule is relaxed and I'm at home and have time to prepare food. During the school year I really struggle with maintaining good eating habits - especially since I started working 2 part-time jobs. So that's what I want to defeat this year. I realize it will take some planning and weekend prep work but I think it will be key in finalizing the changes I've already made.

Exercise: Yeah, this is still on the list. Truth is I have only exercised in spurts since beginning this journey. I believe comepletely that it is time to change that. Though I have dropped the weight I intended to drop, I do not yet feel healthy and I know it has to do with fitness and not scales. So, Easy and I are looking at some ways that we might be able to walk, and maybe run eventually, together. I do still have that treadmill in my room, I did purchase a handweight/video workout back in October, and my hubby bought me the Wii Fit for Christmas. With all of those options I should be able to do something in this category every day! But, I'm also realistic so for now I'm going to set a goal of intentional physical activity 3-4 times a week. I need your prayers for this one guys - it is the part I have never truly submitted to as an adult and I know it is crucial for my health.

Spiritual Development: I'm in a very different place than I was when I started this blog. God has not only removed physical pounds from me he has stripped away many layers of of dust, mold, and mildew that I had hiding in the dark corners of this temple. My prayer is that he continue to seek out the rooms I don't even know exist and help me create in them what He wants to see. I have to say that it has been quite striking to me to see all the pictures that have been taken in the last 3 months. The thing that jumps out at me is not how much smaller I am, but rather the look on my face. In every single picture I see peace and joy. It has truly been over 10 years since there was such consistency in the underlying peace in my life. Even in those times when I'm mad at it all I still have peace and joy - possible only through the Spirit. I pray that this year brings more of the same and that when He is ready that God will lay a path for new ministry and show me what my role is.

Clutter Control: Yeah right. No seriously, we'll just have to wait and see how thing go. I've realized I can only do so much and of all the things I started being accountable about on this blog this category is the least important. So, my goal for 2009 is simply to keep up. If I can keep my bathrooms clean and the dishes and laundry at a manageable pace then I'll be happy. And when those times come that I simply can't stand the chaos anymore I'll call on my dear friend Erika to come and help me clear it out and start over. I know not everyone can function that way, but I'm OK with it and it means more time focusing on the important stuff.

So, there you go guys. That's what I'm shooting for in 2009. I feel I should offer the obligatory "I'll post more often" promise, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. So instead I'll just say that I'll post when I can, when the Spirit lays something on my heart that needs sharing, when I'm desparate for your prayers, and when I want to invite you to celebrate in His success. Happy New Year everyone - I pray blessing will abound in your life in 2009!

Pray for Brad

2008-12-10T21:40:00.002-06:00

There isn't much else for me to say in this moment. Please just join us all and pray.

Still Standing

2008-11-22T08:51:00.002-06:00

Yes, this Temple is still standing, but my foundation feels weak. Things have been tough since school started. On the physical part of this remodel I have lost another 5 pounds. I'm officially in the same size pants I wore when Easy and I tied the knot 10 years ago - though I really don't think that's an accurate measure since pants fit very different these days. The mental, emotional, and spiritual has been rough though.

I finally came to the realization that I've been blocked in my relationship with my Father and it's because I'm mad. I'm mad that this is my life right now. I'm mad that Tripp has autism. I'm mad that Paris is a drama queen and she failed her vision screen at school and might need glasses. I'm mad that Vivie still poops in her pants sometimes. I'm mad that Briley, the new dog we got for Easy, needs to be housebroken and played with a lot and that's my job. I'm mad that I need to work 2 part-time jobs just to keep my kids cared for, dressed, and in the appropriate therapies needed. I'm mad that my husband works in Houston and is gone from 6-7 evereyday - and that's really a good day. I'm mad that God wants me in this exact spot.

Somehow in admitting that I'm just plain mad - there is releif. There was a time in my past that I was mad like this. I didn't think it was OK to be mad. Certainly not OK to be mad at God. That resulted in a several year depression which led to much of the disrepair this remodel has been fixing. Today, I know it's OK to be mad. And it's OK to tell God that I'm mad. Even more amazing is the fact that I get tell God I'm mad and then ask Him to help. I can give him all my anger and He'll know what to do with it. I can pray daily that He give me spot of joy in the midst of these days that have me so infuriated. AND HE DOES.

Yesterday Tripp actually, really, truly, played with us. We were all five on the couch having an all too rare moment of family bliss and he jumped up, shout "Tripp is hiding," and ducked behind the end table. It took me a minute to catch on because it was so unexpected. After inquiring in my best playful mommy voice "Oh my! Where is Tripper?!?" he jumped up and shouted "Here he is!" It was awesome! He then proceeded to lay on the ottoman and act like a cat. Real pretending. Wow. Joy.

Thursday night Easy made dinner when he got home. Joy.

As we were leaving school Thursday Vivie said to Ms. Brandi "Bye Sooga Booga!" (Sugar booger) Hilarious joy.

Paris giggled with me as we did our very very joyful "It's Friday" chant and dance yesterday afternoon.

Last Saturday Stephanie kept my kids while Erika came and helped me clean out the kids' rooms, my dining room, kitchen, and utility room. Grateful joy.

I am indeed so very blessed. Being mad doesn't negate that. It is my prayer that everyday I can see more of the joyful blessing than the anger. I know God is leading me and that He will walk side by side or even carry me through this time. In that there is great peace. Pray for me that the peace will grow and grow until the anger is swallowed up by it.

Tired

2008-10-03T18:59:00.002-05:00

It's been a long day. When I got to work this morning I was told that my friend Juanita had a heart attack this morning. Juanita is the secretary at our church and she makes working in the office an absolute delight. I was stunned. I went in with the rest of the office staff to spend some time in prayer. We were given a few more details and I found myself unable to speak. Within an hour of that I received the news that my friend had gone Home. She is rejoicing with angels and experiencing joy that I can't even fathom. I thank God for her life and for the ways she touched mine. And I'm sad.

As I was leaving the office I began praying in the car. All I could say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of loss. I'm tired of cancer and lung disease and hurricanes. I'm tired of migraines and autism. I'm tired of hospitals and medical bills and broken relationships. I felt myself almost ranting at my Father that I am just TIRED of this life! And then I felt His gentle quiet voice remind me that "this life" isn't what it's about. It's not about the pain and the frustration or the sadness and heartache. What it is about is remembering WHO it's about. Not me.

Father, I am so mixed up before you today. I am truly joyful that your servant Juanita is home with you. But I am sad that I will not see her perky smiling face at the office next week. I am sad for her family and I pray that we can extend your love to each of them as they deal with this loss. Help me remember that each of us who loves you will one day spend eternity with you. We will sing with angels and give you the glory that our human minds and voices cannot truly express. I love you Lord, and though I SO don't understand why there is so much pain here, I know you love us and that is what I hold on to. May your peace and love be felt by everyone that is missing their friend today. Amen.

40

2008-09-24T18:40:00.002-05:00

40 is a big number. 40 days and 40 nights it rained on Noah and the crew of the ark. 40 years the Israelites wandered in the wilderness. And today I get to report that I've lost 40 pounds. It feels like the journey hasn't been unlike the stories mentioned above.

In the misdt of the wilderness God handed out some amazing blessings. Water from rock, manna, lights for guidance, etc... So too in the midst of this journey has He given me some amazing things. From tiny blessings like the DP being sold out at the machine when I was having a weak moment (this happened more than once!) to sending me comfort and hope as our journey with Tripp has progressed. God is faithful and though I don't think I'm truly out of the desert yet, I am not afraid because I know God will lead the way. I sort of feel today like the dove came back with a twig.

I'm also remembering that there were people occupying the promised land that had to be fought and kicked out. For far to long I've let Satan squat in my promised land. I know that he will always fight for space there. It is my daily prayer that God give me the strength and guidance to take back what He has given me. A life of peace and joy, strength and comfort, and most importantly for me in this moment is a life of confidence that God's love is never ending and His provision constant.

I know it's been a long time since I posted here. My sweet friend gave me the evil eye about that today after I weighed in and told her what I saw on the scale. So Stephanie, this post is for you. I thank you for being such a big part of my journey. For loving me all along the way, for celebrating when I celebrate (I forgive you the ugly tongue-sticking-out moment today), and for crying with me when I cry. You and your friendship are definitely one of the many blessing God has sent me.

So, if any of you still read this Remodeling effort, please know that I am, as I always will be, in a state of renovation by the Master Carpenter himself. Let it be the same with you and please pray that I stay the course God has laid out before me.

Walking News

2008-07-08T16:19:00.002-05:00

So after my last post I got this amazing email from a friend at church that offered to let me borrow her treadmill! She brought it over yesterday and today when the kids were resting I got my walk in! I'm so excited about this because my exercise no longer depends on my kids' schedule. I can walk while they sleep - either in the afternoon or at night or if I'm feeling nuts, before they get up in the morning! I feel like this is a real solution to part of my struggle.

THANK YOU JENNY!!!!!

Struggling Through

2008-07-01T19:14:00.002-05:00

Man has it been a week since I last wrote. Busy busy. Somewhat stressful. And I have had a migraine for the better part of the last 7 days. Today is actually much better with it really only being bad late in the afternoon. So, I kinda feel like I've just been struggling through life.

I didn't exercise at all last week. I'm having a very hard time making this part of my routine. The plan was to go on 3 walks each week - at least 20 minutes of active walking each time. I got two in the first week and none in this last week. It's more difficult than I thought to work in taking the kids for a walk when you factor in our schedule and the need to wait until it's not blistering hot outside. So, I'm thinking maybe I need a different plan. I have some workout dvd's - I could do one of those after the kids are down 3 times a week. I have to confess that I stink in this department if I don't have people to do it with. I used to go to classes at Aerofit (years agao) but I went because there was some social stuff involved and then there was also that little drive inside to be better than the person next to me. Last summer I walked a lot because I met up with friends to do it. I don't have any of that right now so I'm really struggling. Prayers please, and if any of you are willing to embarass yourself with me, let me know - maybe we could book a room and tv at the church building and do a workout video together!

Eating had been better and then I blew it. Easy and I went out last night and I ate all manner of things I shouldn't have eaten. I think I'm starting to really understand that my body is addicted to certain foods. With the headache and all I've been physically feeling bad. I realize part of that is because my body was used to xyz for fuel and now it's getting fvp instead. This week is hard. I want to throw it out the window and go get xyz again. Much like the Israelites I want to go back to the bondage. I am grateful though that I have people helping me stay accountable (that includes anyone reading this blog) and for you guys I will walk on into the dessert. I know God will satisfy me in ways I can't imagine and I put my faith in Him and not in the fast food bag.

Pray for me this week as I continue struggling through. It feels like this week is important somehow. That God is trying to weed something out of me. Please pray that I am obedient and willing to be transformed at His hand. It's His temple - He gets to decorate, and I have a feeling more than a fresh coat of paint is what He has in mind right now.

Better Late then Never

2008-06-23T15:40:00.002-05:00

Hello out there! If you want to read about a tiny bit of "process" stuff hop over to Sarah Station. You'll see that I'm still learning the little lessons in life.........

As for the exterior remodeling I have quite a bit to tell you. I've begun meeting with some friends to help me navigate this area. I wonderful friend that God dropped into my life back in September (Love you LK!!) has been on quite a journey to allow God to defeat a food addiction in her life. She has lost over 100 lbs since her journey began. She has taken this wonderful blessing and used it to help others. She is now meeting with me and two other ladies to walk us through what became her "program" (if you really need to call it something). It's food education, Bible study,exercise, accountability in a big way, and support group all rolled into one.

Today was our 3rd meeting. The first week we just talked about where her journey has taken her and what we want to accomplish. Our home work was to keep a food diary for the next week. That was ugly. On week 2 we weighed in and measured. That was ugly too. We also got the beginnings of our personalized plan for food and exercise. The food diary will continue indefinitely - talk about accountability! In one week I have learned that even though I am eating WAY healthier than I was 18 months ago, the proportion of fat in my diet is way too high and the amount of veggies is way too low. I've also learned that I don't eat enough "carbs" and that could be contributing to my fatigue and hairloss! I had no idea. So I'm learning new ways to put in Gluten Free carb/starches. It looks like potatoes will be back in my diet - just not the fried variety! (if you have a great potatoe recipe that doesn't involve cream or frying, send it my way!)

Today we weighed in and with one week off of DP and watching my consumption of food I dropped 7 lbs. Trust me, that's water weight. I told LK that she would never again see that kind of drop in a week's time and she assured me that if she did we would need to make some changes because it wouldn't be healthy. I am my mother's daughter and we do retain a lot of water so I'm 99% confident that at least 5 of those pounds was fluid. I never thought I would pray for slow loss, but that is my goal. I want this Temple to be physically sound and shrinking it too fast would not be good.

So, there you go. I'm on track, learning new things, unlearning old things, and incredibly grateful that I have LK and our group to walk this part of my journey with.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1

Quick Post

2008-06-04T16:10:00.002-05:00

I didn't want to skip my detail post, but I'm hectic today so this will be brief.

I few not so good days on food. Saturday I was at the beach with Easy all day for a work function and I drank DP almost all day. I had some egg rolls from Jack in the Box as well. Other than that I've done pretty good on food and I even had a few days with NO DP!! Today was a splurge lunch. My mom surprised me with her two best gal pals and they drove up from B-town to sit it in on the class I taught this morning. We all went to Wings N More for lunch . I'm not used to the fried food and my tummy is already revolting!

Exercise - still just chasing the kids around. Next week begins our actual summer schedule so I'm planning to start adding in some exercise time.

The house is staying pretty picked up and we even got Paris' room all cleaned! I've got my chores divided out so I'm definitely doing better in the clutter control category.

And lastly - I taught LBC this morning on the first chapter of Soul Feast. I think it went well. It was A LOT of material to cover and I hope I didn't leave folks feeling like they'd been talked at when it was done. I tried to work in some discussion questions, but it was a little challenging because no one in the class (except my mom) had read the chapter yet - the books won'tbe in until later this week! It was a real treat to have my mom, Nana, Bren and ML there. I was a little anxious as class got started, but the further we went the slower my heartbeat and I relaxed and did my best.

So - all in all I think an OK week on this journey! Oh, and I lost 2 pounds. Have a good week!

Wednesday Weekly

2008-05-28T17:13:00.002-05:00

I think Wednesday will be my progress report day. So let's see........I've quit buying DP to keep at the house so I would say my consumption has been cut by 1/2-2/3. I have had NO fast food since my last post! The thought of a greasy burger is gross at the moment. I'm praying it stays that way. I haven't done any exercise other than chasing my kids around. I'm looking forward to next week as the amount of time I'm in the car will drop quite a bit with school out. I have been keeping my house picked up. If you'll recall, Clutter Control was one of my original tracking categories. It is a much more peaceful house when you aren't bombarded by the colors of all those toys on the floor! I did splurge on Monday and ate some cookies. I made GF cookies so the kids could have a treat when we went over to play at a friend's house. Oh, and Easy and I have been eating fresh pineapple the last couple of nights.....dipped in chocolate fruit dip. Not the best, not the worst. I've started preparing for our summer LBC - we're using the book Soul Feast and I'm leading the first class. Most everyone won't have read it yet so I'll be doing more teaching than facilitating like I'm used to doing.

As to how I'm feeling....a little stressed as P & T only have two more days of school. We'll have a week of transition before our new summer schedule starts so I'm a little anxious for T. I hope he adjusts well. I'm also a little stressed becaus LBC starts on Wednesday and I'm still short babysitters. We have this great group of ladies coming - that means lots of kids! Please be in prayer that sitters respond quickly! I guess that's it for now. Oh, I lost 3.5 pounds. Can we say water weight? I'll take it though! Have a good week!

Honesty

2008-05-22T09:05:00.002-05:00

If you know me well at all then you know that The Princess Bride is absolutley one of my favortie movies. I can typically quote from it without hesitation, but this morning my brain is muddled by a migraine so I will summarize instead. At some point in the film Indigo Montoya (I have no idea if that's how you spell that) speaks about going back to the beginning. When the plan has gone awry and you don't know where to go....go back to the beginning. Fezik (again - spelling?), his giant friend finds him there stumbling drunk and sets about sobering him up so they can get on with the noble mission in front of them....saving the princess from marriage to the not so nice prince.

If I'm going to be honest, and that's why I started this blog, then I need to own that today I am Indigo Montoya. No, I'm not stumbling drunk, but I have over the last 6 months reverted to some habits that are unacceptable when it comes to the care of this temple. So here's the really honest part........

Did any of you notice that the "3 pound bubble" I was in mysteriously grew to a "5 pound bubble?" Well, unless I'm going to call it a 10 pound bubble it's time to own the fact that I've put back on about 10 pounds. I have no doubts about how this happened. Mass quantities of DP and fast food and even a few candy bars! Last night Cherry Jackson talked a little about when we try to fill up with things other than God. That's what I've been doing for 6 months. I quit putting the Word in first and that left me empty. So instead of filling up on the Bread of Life I said I was too hectic and busy so I ate junk instead trying to ease the growing stress in my life.

Guess what - it didn't work. So it's time to go back to the beginning. I don't want to bore those of you who still read this with the details of my daily eating and activity, so instead I will be posting weekly as to my progress. I want to use this blog to write about the process, but I know I need to report the progress too so the details get one post a week and the process gets whatever else I write.

So, as I step back onto the path I veered off of all I ask is that you pray for me. I've said in the past few months that I need help - asked my friends to help "kick my butt into gear." But the truth is that this is between me and my Creator and only He can accomlish in me what needs to be done. So please pray that I am submissive to His work. That I see my fleshly desires for what they are and that when Satan's lies (in the form of negative thoughts/self talk regarding my worth) creep in that I call on Christ to remove them. I'm in tears as I write today friends. Not because I'm sad or upset really, but more because I'm sorry. I'm sorry that instead of going to God I chose to get "stumbling drunk." I ask for His forgiveness and I ask for yours.

Cliff's Edge

2008-05-05T08:59:00.002-05:00

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. And no, not the cliffs of insanity (movie reference anyone?). Though I have to admit sometimes it feels like that's the best descriptor for me. Rather, I'm standing here looking out of a vast ocean of possibilty. An ocean of purpose and dreams. An ocean of blessings. It's beautiful. And I'm terrified of the ocean. I do not have confidence in my abilities to swim in such deep waters. And there are sharks out there you know. And jelly fish. Did I mention that I'm terrified of the ocean?

So how did I get here? Well, I followed God. He's been taking me on a journey. He helped me shed some dead weight on the trek to this point. He's taught me many lessons about control, and patience, and His divine plan. He has shared priceless insight with me in moments where I thought I could not possibly take on more step. He's let me stumble on some rocks, but He has always picked me up and helped me keep moving. And then I got to the cliff's edge and I stopped.

I'm not here alone. My children and husband and friends and family are with me. Some of them keep pointing to the ocean and gently reminding me that I'm supposed to jump in. I'm ignoring them. I'm busy chasing my kids around trying to keep them safe. We are, afterall on the edge of a cliff. I managed to bring a lawnchair on the journey, so part of my time is spent just sitting here - looking out at that body of water, breeze on my face, and I think......"It's nice here. I could stay here quite a while."

And then my lawnchair gets bumped from behind. I look. No, it wasn't one of my kids. There is nothing there. Then I here the quiet voice.

"Jump in, I won't let you drown. There are beautiful things for you to see. There are beautiful people for you to meet. I have work for you there. Please jump in."

I can ignore that for a while, right?

"Sarah, jump in. You are safe with me."

Still ignoring.

"You can jump in this ocean with me, full of purpose and promise, and blessings you can't even fathom. Or I can throw you in a sea that will serve only to remind you that you can't swim without me. I will let you sputter and flail until you remember that I am God and I love you. When you remember who I am, and you call out my name I will be there. And as I scoop you out of that swirling sea you will know me - and then we can go swimming together. The choice is yours."

Seems like it's an easy choice, right? Yet for some reason I stand here paralyzed in the chaos that seems to be my daily life. My head knows it's time to get wet. My heart longs for the freedom to jump in with abandon and see all God has in store. But my feet are stuck to the ground. Perhaps Satan is sitting on them. Yep, there he is. He tied my laces together so I'm afraid to take a step and he's on my back whispering in my ear all the fears and failures I've ever known. And he's so convincing.
In fact, he's so convincing that this doesn't feel like a choice at all. It feels like this is all I can do. Sit here. Looking out at the ocean. Terrified to jump in.

Abandoned Buildings

2008-04-01T11:22:00.002-05:00

Have you ever seen an abandoned building? Not one that's all boarded up like it was condemned or left because of something terrible, but one that looks like one day everyone just left. The structure still looks the same, the foundation is still there, it's just empty. Maybe it's starting to look a little dirty. Cobwebs and wasp nests are starting to become visible. It's dark. It's empty. Void of life.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. Like this temple is empty. Nothing happening. No progress. No growth. It's like I've just been sitting here gathering dust.

It's started bothering me a few weeks ago, but I honestly haven't had the energy or motivation to start sweeping out the cobwebs. Then we had book club last night. My precious sisters helped me remember the truth........

This temple is NEVER abandoned. The Holy Spirit lives here! So what's with the darkness and cobwebs? Well, the Sarah part of the temple cut the power off a few months ago. What happens to a house with no power? It gets hot and dirty and uncomfortable and no one wants to live there. What an amazing thing that the Spirit would dwell in a place that I made so uncomfortable. To think I am so loved is, well, hard to imagine.

So why did I cut the power? I let myself get busy. I got busy and started listening to Satan and his long list of excuses for why I wasn't taking the time to plug in to my Power Source. It included things like "I'm too tired" and "I'm responsible for so much that I deserve time to rest." How did I rest? TV. Stinky, useless, tool of Satan TV. and...........Food. Sweets to be exact.

Here's another amazing gift - God has protected me from my own sin. I have indulged, I have given in to the cravings of a food addict - yet God has kept me from defeat on the scale. He has allowed my defeat of spirit to remind me that I can not do this (this being any and every thing!) without His power, but He has protected me from "yet another failure" on the scale. Isn't God amazing?

So, here I am. I started this remodeling effort a year ago. Right now I feel in some ways much like I did then. Ready to make a change. The difference is that right now I can look back at the last twelve months and see exaclty how much God accomplished in me. Yesterday morning I felt defeated by the stagnation in my "downsizing." (seriously, I've been in the same 5 pound bubble since Thanksgiving) My friends helped me realize though that this isn't failure - it was me measuring on my time and my abilities. So today I am joyous and grateful for the work God has done in me and I will submit again and again to His demolition and rebuilding so that He can create me anew.

Father - Thank you for this journey. Thank you for all the success you have carried to fruition. Thank you for sisters that are willing to call me out when I need it. Thank you for living in a hot, dirty, stinky temple and waiting for me to realize I need to turn the power back on. Lord today I ask that you fill me light. Let your breath blow the dust and cobwebs out of every corner. Show me the inner rooms of this temple that need to be cleaned out and even closed off. Shine the light of your love in every nook and crany so the faults are visible and can be restored by you. I love Lord and I am so sorry I unplugged from you. Thank you for reminding me that I am absolutely incapable without you. Lead me Lord - I will follow.

Refueled and Catching Up

2008-02-25T09:08:00.002-06:00

I know it's been way too long since I posted. Forgive me. I've been a bit busy adjusting to our new routines and trying to get caught up on things around here. We've been fighting off sickness and well, truth is, I've been in a writing funk. I'm ready to get through it though so I figured this was the best place to start.

My last post expressed how I was feeling before I went to the National WOF conference. Let me just say that God is good and God is faithful. I came back from that weekend ready to get moving on all fronts. I heard countless speakers - all of which had some nugget of truth that encouraged and inspired me- and was uplifted by some tremendous musical talent. I think that best part for me was being refilled with love - in particular, love for my Smooch! When I left town my prayer was that I could get some rest, both physical and mental, and that I could come back home with a more positive attitude towards my sweet hubby. I have to say that really none of the speakers spoke to this particular need. But God is so faithful. Somewhere in the midst of being encouraged in this journey with Tripp and inspired to move forward in this writing/teaching path, I was completey filled with the realization that my husband is a gift from God. (It helps that at one point when I called to check in he was cleaning the microwave! And no, he hadn't made a mess in it, he was just cleaning it because it needed cleaning.) I left my pity party behind and came home so grateful and happy to have such a wonderful man leading my family. He is a gift and I cherish him daily.

So, what have I accomplished since I got back? Not enough, but I'm making progress. Here's the bullet update:

Excercise: not happening

Food: It was bad for a while before I left, but is definitely getting better. We have made the gluten free tansition at home. I think I just need to make that a complete mental shift for those times when I'm out running around -boils down to NO MORE FAST FOOD!

Writing/Teaching: I taught another Wednesday night class last week. I was a bit frenzied from the day's schedule so I thought the lesson came out disjointed. I received a lot of positive feedback though so I'm marking it up - as always - to God doing His work despite me! I'm scheduled to teach two lessons for morning ladies' class in March so I need to get going preparing for those. I also had a friend ask me if she could give my name to a church looking for someone to speak for a weekend retreat. I told her, "I'm supposed to say yes even though that scares me." Don't know if that will turn into anything, but even agreeing to let my name get thrown in the pile is an accomplishment to me.

Clutter Control: Finally making some progress here. I actually got in Paris' room with her yesterday and cleaned it up! Seriously, that hasn't happened since Christmas! I was very proud of her - she chose lots of things that should just get thrown out, given to Vivie, and even a whole bin of stuff to garage sale! There were a few tears, but overall it was a great success. I've also cleaned out her closet as well as Vivie's closet. I've been through all the 24M/2T clothes and have them ready for Spring/Summer. I even got the stuff they've outgrown sorted and bagged for either garage sale, save for later, and give to Lindsay (a friend that I send our "pass arounds" to). Now I need to find a way to get some furniture painted so I can get the craft stuff organized.

So, there you have it folks. I have been refueled by my Father and am catching up on things around here. This Temple Remodel feels like it's been on hold for a while, but I think the real truth is that God's been working on some inner rooms while the exterior took a break. His work is always more beautiful than mine so even though I've felt frustrated I realize that the "end product" will be more than I can imagine because I'm letting him guide the process. Have a good week and don't forget to let God be your Project Manager!

In Need of Healing

2008-02-05T21:29:00.000-06:00

That is the best way to describe me at the moment. I'm in need of some R&R. Some divine water to quench my soul. Food from the Father to refuel my weary body. And I will get quite a bit of that this weekend at the Women of Faith conference!

Last week I found myself at the doctor with chest pain. That will certainly make you sit up and pay attention. Truth is, I'd had this pain before - off and on over the last 6 years or so. It always came after having a baby and/or while breastfeeding on of those babies. Well, last Wednesday morning sometime before 6:00 am I tried to roll over in bed and felt this horrible pain in my chest. It stayed with me all day Wednesday and since I couldn't tie it to childbearing or nursing this time I figured I better get it checked out. I fessed up to my Smooch that I was in pain and going to the doctor the next day. That's the scary news. The good news is that it is absolutely nothing cardiac related at all. I have costochondritis. There is a lot of inflammation where my upper right-side ribs join the breastbone. Nothing major, just painful. So I've been on a bunch of meds ranging from steroids to muscle relaxers and I have to ice my chest (except it's really like icing my boob) daily. It's getting better, but today was a busy day and I can feel it. That accounts for the weary body.

My soul is thirsty as well. I have been doing some good things. I taught that Wednesday night class and the following week I taught Wednesday morning class. We had a good book club meeting and I'm excited to start reading our next book when it comes in this week. I have been praying A LOT. I think I'm just learning in a whole new way how much I NEED God. Yesterday I called on Him in desparation to please remove the fear and anxiety that was consuming me and replace it with His peace and strength so I could get through Tripp's ARD. He is faithful. We made it through and things are looking really good. You'll have to go to Monkey Dance if you want more details.

Today I am relieved and deflated. Last week I made the comment that my tanks were feeling a little empty. If last week was empty I'm just running on fumes right now. I look forward to a weekend of renewal with friends, family, sisters, and most importantly, my Father. Until I return.........

Teaching Tonight

2008-01-23T14:17:00.001-06:00

So, the big night has arrived. Satan has been trying hard to keep me distracted from the task at hand. In about 5 hours I will be teaching the Women Encouraging Women class at church. I wish I could say I've spent my week preparing, but I've actually spent my week caring for my kids. Paris & Tripp have the flu. Paris has the worst of it. She actually had 105 temp last night! Not fun. Tripp seems to be doing better today. No fever so far. But, despite the sickness abounding in my home, I'm going to teach class tonight. Easy is coming home to watch the kids so I can go. He called earlier and said he wasn't feeling so good so it looks like he might be coming down with it. I think Satan really wanted me to bail, but it's not happening. I'm excited and nervous and mostly I just don't want to trip and fall or burp in the middle of my lesson. Say a prayer for me friends - it's a first step in a new part of the journey!

Quick Update

2008-01-17T21:25:00.000-06:00

My eating has been good some days and bad others. I'm still holding in that lovely 3 pound range that I've been in for 3 months now.

I'm struggling with exercise. I've gotten in 1 day since my last post.

I've had a headache since last Friday. Today my doc gave me a perscription to help prevent migraines. We're starting at a low dose and it may take some time to see if it's going to work. Side effects? Take it at night and don't be surprised if your groggy in the morning. Great, I didn't know I could be any groggier than I already am - thus the 1 day of exercise.

I am pursuing teaching opportunities at church. I will be teaching our Wednesday night ladies' class next week and another one sometime in February. I will also be teaching 3 lessons this semester for our Wednesday morning ladies' class. As soon as I get the three pieces of furniture in the garage painted I will be able to move a table upstairs to creat my writing and studying nook. Hopefully by February that will be done.

Renewal - and I mean it this time

2008-01-02T09:17:00.000-06:00

Well, 2008 is here. In the midst of the craziness that was December I seem to have lost track of many things. I won't re-hash all the mistakes and poor choices I made. Instead, my plan is to just fix it and keep moving forward. This week is still crazy as far as scheduling goes so my goal is simply to make better choices with my food and prepare myself through prayer and some time spent organizing things for a new schedule and structure to start next week.

I have gotten very spoiled to sleeping until 7:30 everyday. That ends tomorrow. Paris goes back to school in the morning. I can't imagine it's going to be pleasant for any of us, but I intend to put a smile on my face and be a happy, loving mom when I drag her out of bed. Getting up earlier is clearly going to be part of my new structure. I'm not going to attempt the 5:00 am jogging again. I enjoy jogging, but it was clearly too much and since the "stress" in my life hasn't really decreased I think it best to not push myself there. Instead I plan to get up about 5:45. Two days a week Ill go for a brisk walk before Easy leaves. The other 3 days I plan to do some resistance training with my bands. I also would like to work in some ab/trunk strengthening stuff on my exerball. I'm thinking I will do that each day after the kids go to bed. OK, so that's the physical stuff.

As far as food - mostly just getting back to what I was doing as I lost the 30 pounds. That means getting back off the DP, increasing my water intake, no more splurges on sweets (which I really haven't done a bunch of anyway), and eating more veggies. The other big change that is looming is going gluten-free. Easy and have have done some reading and a lot of talking and praying and we feel like adopting a GF diet is something we must do. There is a lot of anecdotal research out there supporting the positive effects a GF diet can have for ASD kids. In addition, I've learned that sensitivity to gluten can cause a whole list of symptoms (like migraines, fatigue, and IBS to name a few) that are present in other people in our house. We're still in the planning stage, but we got some great resources and things for Christmas that will help us and we intend to have made the change complete by February. We are commiting to a year GF so we can truly see if it makes a difference for our health. Any advice in this area is welcome, and we do ask for your prayers regarding this area of change for our family.

Now on to spirtual development. The book club I'm part of is dedicating this year to reading things that help us identify and implement God's purpose and dreams in our lives. For me this obviously includes writing and teaching. Easy and I have identified a space in the house that is going to be my "nook" to keep papers and things out as I begin trying to organize things I've already written as well as things that are still rolling in my brain. I ask for your prayers most particularly in this area. I don't know where this call to write will take me, but it is clear it is something I must do. I know that spending time with my Father daily is crucial to Him using me in this way so I ask that your keep me in your prayers that I head the Spirit when he prompts the fruit of self-discipline in my life. It will truly be by His power, not mine that I can accomplish anything.

To help in this area I am renewing a commitment I had over the summer. For most of the summer I turned the TV off at 6:00 pm every evening during the week. At the beginning of the fall I told Easy I thought I should just DVR the shows I like to watch and save them for Friday & Saturday evenings - I never followed through with this and have been sucked back into the world of couch potato-ho0d once my kids are in bed. So, here is my renewed commitment....M-Th the TV will turn off at 6:00 pm and not be turned on again until the following day. On Fridays and Saturdays it will turn off at 6:00 until the kids are in bed. As for daytime TV - we're really not home a whole lot in the day so it won't be much of an issue, but I will return to the 9:00 AM turn off time on those days that we are home (excluding Saturday). I will allow it to come back on after 3:00 pm only when they ask for it. (instead of just turning it on as a reflex!)

Okey Dokey. You have my renewed commitments. I know this post was full of logistics, but my hope is that most of them will not be. I want to return to using this blog as a way to share my spiritual and physical remodel - clearly that is more than just a logistical process. Have a great week and my prayer for each of you is that you take a moment and ask God what commitments you can make that will better His kingdom this year.

Quick Update

2007-12-06T16:52:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to post a quick update. Things are going well. Physically I'm staying in a 3lb range. I guess this is my first big plateau (sp?). I am feeling pretty good. Still having migraines. I'm working a plan to make them better though. I don't have much choice. In the last half of the year I've maxed out my prescription coverage on Imitrex alone so I MUST find a solution. That stuff is expensive! Right nowmy plan is to focus on making good food choices through the holidays and then add exercise back in come January.

Lots going on with Tripp. It's a big month in that area. Hop over to Monkey Dance if you'd like more details.

I have been heeding God's constant nudging to write and teach. I taught our Ladies' Class yesterday and confessed out loud to all those in attendance that I feel God's call to write and teach though I'm not sure what to do with it. My lesson was well received I think. I got lots of encouragement and was reminded that even though I don't yet consider myself a writer, anyone who keeps three blogs is writing! I was also asked to do a lesson for our Sanctuary class sometime after Christmas. I said yes - though the thought of standing in front of all those ladies with a mic on is seriously intimidating! I know God is going to be there though, and with Him by my side I can do anything!

I'll try to post again soon. I want to write up the thoughts I shared with Ladies' Class so maybe I'll get that posted in the next week or so. Hope everyone out there in blogland is getting ready for a great Christmas, and that you remember exactly why it is that this is such a joyous time of year. We are, afterall, celebrating the birth of our salvation! Blessings to all of you!!

Knock, Knock

2007-11-11T21:39:00.000-06:00

Who's there? It's God, and I'm back to push you some more.

The last few weeks have been rough. We had all the sickness in the kids and then I got Tripp's cold and still haven't quite shaken it. My eating has been better. Still no exercise and I stunk it up when it came to quiet time and reading this week.

I don't remember if I've specifically blogged about this before, so I'll just put it out there. I've felt God calling me to write for quite some time. It started a couple of years ago in my kitchen on a day I will never forget. That's a story for another time though. Bottom line was that He pretty much told me to write and I said "Sure, we'll do that one day." It rolled through my head every so often, but it was not something I had been giving any real thought in a long time. Several months ago God came knocking and re-stated this call. I say call because that's what it feels like. He's calling me to do this. I've been wrestling (or wrastlin' if you're from Texas) with it quite a bit. But, I confessed it out loud to some people in my life and they are keeping me accountable and helping along.

Well, Saturday I was thinking, "Gee, I haven't really thought about this whole writing thing in a few weeks and it seems like all those things that kept happening to keep it in my face have stopped. I guess God backed off." Don't ever think God backs off folks. Before that night was over a precious friend who I love and respect looked me square in the eyes and said,"You are preparing to write a book." Then this morning we went to class at my folks' church and the text took me right back to James where God has had me non-stop since September. I made a few comments in class and after one of them the teacher (who is the preacher there) said,"Good sermon. I'll just hand you the mic in a few minutes." We all laughed, but my sweet husband gave me that knowing look and then prompted me later to write the thoughts I voiced down in the little notebook I now carry all the time.

So, apparently it's time for me to only renew my remodeling efforts, I need to take inventory and renew my commtiment to be obedient. I need to be obedient in the small things and the big things. Even when they don't make sense. Even when I can't accomplish them with my own abilities. Even when I DON'T WANT TO. Pray for me this week that I will be obedient. I'll pray that for you to - that you are listening to His voice and answering His requests with a resounding "YES!"

Time for Renewal

2007-11-05T13:35:00.000-06:00

OK folks. It's been a hard 8 weeks, but I'm coming through the other side and ready to renew the purpose of this blog. I have somehow managed to loose a few more pounds in the midst of the chaos. I'm down 31 pounds and very happy about it. I do, however, need to refocus my eating strategy. It's gotten pretty lax as of late. Most particularly with the DP - devil juice I tell you! So, starting right now I'm back to my sparkling water. I also vow to stop sneaking a piece of candy out of the kids' halloween stash everyday. I know it won't take too many of those days until the scale goes the other way so it stops now.

As far as exercise goes - not commitment from me yet. My plan is to start walking 3 days a week and do some resistance with my rubber tubing 2 days a week. I think that the jogging was too much for me at this point and contributed to the fatigues and headaches so I'm not going to take that back on until I feel more in control of my health. I'm still fighting off one heck of a cold so I'm not sure when I will add this component back in. I'll keep you posted though.

My quiet times have fallen by the wayside as of late. This MUST get fixed. I'm still working my way through the study of James for LBC. It's been kind of hit or miss as far as how much I get done each week. My book club is reading a new book and meeting again on 12/3. I just started the book and intend to finish it in time. I didn't finish last month's book. I was, um, distracted to say the least.

Oh, and if youwould like to follow along the journey we are taking with Tripp, please at Monkey Dance to your list of blogs you check. I love you all and am grateful for all the encouragement you've been giving me. I'll check in again soon.

My Current Truth: Part 3 - God's Glorious Light

2007-10-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

First, let me apologize for taking so long to get this posted. I know that many of you have been watching my blog and most likely worrying about me. Thanks you for your thoughts and prayers - it is precisely because of them that I can write this post!

God is good.

In the midst of fight ing the darkness and accepting my current truth, He has continually dropped things into my life reminding me of His presence, His plan, and His love. He is the light in every aspect of my life. Today I want to share with you some of the many things He has put in my life to help shine light on my path as I continue in this journey.

The people - oh the amazing people God has blessed me with. To name a few, my mom, Kara Dennis, Stephanie, Irene, Janice G., Erika, Lara, Ashley, Jenn, my amazing husband, my dad, my nana, Kathy C., Pam Mann, Paula, and the list goes on and on and on. To give you a little more detail on how God is shining His light in my life I want to tell you about 2 of these people in particular - Kathy & Irene.

Irene and I became friends several years ago when we found ourselves working in the nursery together. I actually took her job while she was on maternity leave, and when she came back we got paired up working early service together. She then started working with my for Ladies' Class and took my spot when I was on maternity leave. Irene is precious. She's a friend that I can call and say, "I need you to pray about something for me," nand know that she will. One of Irene's sons has Autism. They often sat behind us or near us during church and when I would hear her son it always made me smile because I new my friend - who I came to know is an AMAZING mom - was nearby. I always admired Irene and her husband for how well they seemed to handle life and it's many circumstances. Needless to say, when I began having concerns about Tripper I called Irene. Isn't God amazing? Irene and I became friends when Tripp was an infant. Lots of peopel didn't even realize we knew each other because outside of the nursery we weren't really in the same circles of people. But God not only knew we were friends, He planned it that way. Irene is a brilliant shinning ray of God's light in my life!

Kathy and I have known each other for a number of years as well. In all honesty, other than hellos at church and the very rare occaision to chat a minute or two we really had never had a conversation until the last 3 months. Kathy was always someone I wanted to know. She just seemed to me to be so very real, and quite funny to boot! I had her middle daughter in B class a few years ago. This summer I was doing some chidlcare for our pre-school board meeting (Kathy is one the board) and I had her kiddos. During the course of that day Kathy told me that her oldest had been diagnosed with Autism. This was about the same time I was really starting to think that might be what Tripp is dealing with. Then a few weeks later I found out that she and Paula (another name on that list up there) were needing someone to watch two of their kids during the fall semester. I took the job. Did I mention that Kathy uses the same pediatrician we do? I ran into her last fall in the doctor's office while we were in the process of Vivian's millionth (well, not quite) ear infection and found out that they had been through it too - and that they used the same ENT we were using. Fast forward a few months and you'll find me realizing that we have to take our son to Temple. And moments later realizing that Kathy and her family have been down this road - in truth are going down this road only a few steps ahead of us with their second daughter. I told Kathy that we were going to Temple before I even knew for sure that was what would be happening. She is now someone I see almost everyday. And every time I see her I get a hug - and it makes the day better. I know I can cry or laugh or talk or pray and Kathy will listen and join in. God takes everyone on a journey - Kathy's and mine just happen to be along similar paths right now and I am so very grateful that God sent her to help light the way.

Now, how else is God's light shinning? Can we say music? Music has always been soemthing that impacts me strongly. God is using that to send me messages almost daily now.

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in Lord, stil I will say....Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name

Many other songs are touching me these days. I'm horrible at knowing who sings what, so I won't try. What I will say is that every time I get in the car I hear something on KSBJ that remind me that he has it under control and he will give me everything I need. I would also like to tell you how God used Mark Shultz.

I went to the Women of Faith conference a few weeks back. Friday night we're all sitting there enjoying ourselves and the host for the night starts introducing a surprise guest. Mark Schultz is there to sing for us all. I thought to myself "I know that name - I think I like his songs." and I clap witht he rest of the arena. My friend Kara was next to me and she was about to come unglued she was so excited. So, I'm listening and enjoying everything and Mark Schultz begins to tell a story. As I listen I realize that he's about to sing a song that has been haunting me for weeks. The song is titles "He's My Son." It's a daddy praying that God will make his son healthy, that God will never leave him, that his wife can have some peace, that he would take his son's place if he could. It is a gut wrenching song - the chorus ends with "See, he's not just anyone, he's my son." He's my son. I've fought back the tears many times listening to this song. As he finishes the set up for it (it was written about a young boy that had cancer) something in me comes unhinged. I began to sob. I leaned over into my mother's open arms and cried and cried and cried. She held me and loved me and let me hurt because she knew it was the first time I'd let myself really let any of it out. I'm told that everyone in our group was brought to tears - I wouldn't know. Al I know is that as Mark Schultz sang that song I wept. And then this amazing thing happened. As the song ended and I struggled to gain my composure Mark says that his favorite thing about that song is singing it knowing that the little boy is now 23 years old and cancer free!!!! Light. God's glorious light of hope and reassurance was so bright that I cried out in joy.

God's light has brightened my days in many other ways, from the love and prayers of all of you to the fact that he created the banana (the only whole food that everyone in my house will eat and enjoy!). God's love shines brightly everywhere I look. I do have to give one more shout out to a friend before I stop writing. My friend Lara recommend a natural supplement that she has used to help her combat depression. We've talked many times about that struggle that we share and I knew that she wouldn't recommend something to me that didn't actually help her. I've been taking it (5-htp) for almost a week know and I can honestly say that I feel better. I don't feel medicated, I still cry, I'm sleeping better. More than any of those physical things though, I feel like I'm better able to see the good things in my life. Sometime we get so clouded with the noise in our head that we need some help calming it down enough to hear God.

I don't know where this journey is leading. What I do know is that God is the one I'm following. The path my not be easy. I may fall. Scratch that, I will fall. There will be times I can't see where to put my next step. There will be tims I feel all alone. There will be dark times. THere will also be places where the path is smooth enough to skip with joy. There will time of great fellowship. And as I continue on this journey it is my fervent prayer that I can in some way help light the path for others.

My Current Truth: Part 2 - Fighting the Darkness

2007-10-13T08:44:00.000-05:00

So, as I'm sure you can guess from Part 1 of this little series, I've been a little stressed out. Add to my concerns about Tripp the fact that Paris started the Big K, I started my new job at church, T&V both started Sonshine School and what you have is, well a lot of change and a lot of stress. I thought I was doing OK with all of it and then the last month hit.

Let me backtrack just a bit...over the last 6 months or so I've had a significant increase in migraine headaches. After experiencing the worst one of my life I decided I had to get some help and that it made no sense to just endure 1-3 of those things a week when there is help out there. I was hesitant though, because I didn't want to just get put on some kind of preventative medication. I wanted the cause to get fixed. I'm not at all interested in being told I need to put some synthetic chemical into my body every day for a potentially endless period of time. I went to my doctor - she's an internal medicine doc - and she said she wanted to do some blood work and a brainscan (CT) before we starte dany course of treatment. OK. It took 2 weeks to get all that done and the results in. One of the things she tested was my thyroid (more on this in a bit). Results: sinus drainage. Are you kidding me?!?!

In the three weeks or so since I made that original appointment I begin talking with my mom and several friends. Bottom line is, I'm concerned about my health - physical and mental. I've been down a lot. Scary down. Sit on the couch and let the kids watch TV and eat snacks for dinner because I don't have it in me to do anything else down. It hasn't been constant, but I've been down more than I've been up as of late. There are a host of other things going on that don't make sense to me. My hair is falling out. I'm holy cow tired. I've had a couple of dizzy spells. My tummy hasn't been my friend much lately. Concentration on anything is competely out of the question. So, after speaking with those mentioned above, I went back to the doctor on Friday ready to get some answers or a referral or something.

Not.

I was told that my symtpoms are just stress. Really. I was told that my thyroid is "good and normal." I'm not sure I beleive that. the TSH test results have a "normal range" of .4-4. Mine was a .6. Does that seem like it's in low range of normal to anyone but me? Doc insisted that my thyroid is fine. She said most of symptoms are those associated with stress and indicate depression. She would be happy to give me some pills, but understands if I'm not ready to do that at this point. In the meantime I am to finish my antibotics to clear the sinus infection. Turns out the the "drainage' the nurse reported to me was actually a completely occluded right sinus cavity. When I'm done with the meds they will do another scan to be sure it's clear and then we will go from there.

I was not happy with all of this, but felt like there wasn't much I could do. I didn't want to start on some anti-depressant because I felt better this week - and I don't like medicine - and surely, surely I'm not there again. I've been through a major depression before. I can't possibly be on that path again, can I? This simply must stop. I can not put my family through THAT.

Well, Friday I had a nice, honest talk with my mom over lunch and was assured that getting some medicinal help is by no means a representaion of failure. That it's possible that even though my modd was better this week, my body is manifesting all my stress with this myriad of issues. I love my mom. She is aways patient, and she waits until she thinks I'm ready to hear something before she says it. And no matter how much what she says may rock my world, I always know her heart is beating right along side mine on this journey and that her love for me will never change. She's taught me a lot about showing God's love.

Since I'm writing my current truth I must admit that my mood has tanked today. It has a lot to do with the fact that my husband got assigned a project in Midland. I dropped him at the airport on my way to church tonight. He'll be back Wednesday afternoon. Our first parent-teacher conference is tomorrow. Easy says I can call him and put him on speaker for the conference. I know he's trying, but that is so not the same as him being there. Plus that means 3 nights of stinky sleep (I don't sleep well at all when he isn't here), and three days of it being all me when it comes to the care of our children. I tried hard not make him feel bad for doing his job, but it was all I could do to keep from balling at the airport. It doesn't take much for me to burst into tears these days. (hey, that's another hallmark of depression.)

So here I sit, fighting the darkness. I would honestly love nothing more than to tuck in all my children, turn out the lights and watch junky TV. Then I'd like to sleep for a very long time and tomorrow I would like to just be alone. But that's not going to happen. Instead I will get up in the morning after not enough restful sleep and try my absolute hardest to be a good mom. To love my kids the way they deserve to be loved. To not let them sense that Mommy would really rather go crawl in a hole. To feed them, and play with them, and maybe even teach them a few things. To pray with them. To know how to answer Paris when she asks why something is different for Tripp than her (like why I bought him a bunch of calculators and her only one). To know what the best course of action is to getting my son the best possible help. And I'll try to be a good wife and not fall apart when Easy calls to check in. I'll tell the kids about how hard Daddy is working so he can take care of all of us. I'll choke back the tears so their precious little hearts don't have to feel my pain. And when the day is done I will crawl on to the couch and cry as quietly as I can so they won't hear. I'll cry and pray and beg God to make me better. To make my son better. To give me the strength to fight off the darkness that seems to close in when I least expect it. And then I'll wake up, lean on Him and try again to be the best I can be for a day.

My Current Truth: Part 1 - Tripp

2007-10-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

It's been weeks since I posted. They've been hard weeks. It's time to get honest. I started this blog to help hold myself accountable and perhaps help some people along the way. I can't do either of those if I'm not being honest. So, take a little journey with me if you will. It may take a week for me to get it all posted - probably in three parts. Have patience as you read, and please, if you feel the urge to pray for me and my family - do it. Were it not for the prayers of friends and family and the amazing grace of God I'm not sure how we (or at least I) would have made it thus far without my sanity coming into question. So here we go.........Part 1 of My Current Truth: Tripp

I'm not sure whether to start at the current spot and then give history or bring you on my journey from January to present. I guess since many of you already know where we are I'll choose the first option.

About a month ago Tripp's speach therapist (Ginger) finally said that she thought it would be best to have him referred for evaluation by Scott & White's Austim Team in Temple. So, there's the hardest part. Autism. I can say it out loud without choking most of the time now. We don't have an actual diagnosis at this point and we can't get in to see the team until December 17th. But, I think you'll see as I share what got us to this point that it really doesn't matter what the team says - we've had to accept that our precious, brilliant, loving, number-obssessed boy just doesn't process the world the same way we do. Here's how we got to today........

Tripp has always been "laid back" about most things. His physical growth has always been normal (though he's a bit on the skinny side!). In truth, he was a breath of fresh air after Paris. Don't get me wrong, Paris is phenomenal from head to toe, heart and soul - but she was (is), shall we say, a bit more high maintenance than Tripp was as a baby and toddler. We often laughed and joked about how anal-retentive he seemed to be as he got older. He always lined up whatever toys he was playing with....perfectly straight. The cars would all be facing the right way and if he realized you had turned one around he would simply correct the error. He's always flapped his hands when he gets really excited and happy. He's always spent more time on his toes than his feet. All cute things that seemed to make Tripp the most adorable boy ever - and he is the most adorable boy ever!

Well, about a year ago Tripp started going to Sonshine school one day a week. He really didn't speak when school started. Once he got settled he seemed to really start blossoming. By the end of the first semester I remember thinking - finally, he's talking! He was a little over two then. The truth is, however, that he counted more than he talked. He acquired a few words like juice and please, but for the most part he just new his numbers and would count anything he could - he even counted when there was nothing to count. I decided to put him in for two days the next semester since he seemed to do so well and was at least using his voice for something other than the whiny-cry or grunt we had become accustomed to interpretting. We also started potty training over Christmas break - we're still working on that by the way.

Once school started back in January I started to put some things together in my brain (remember, I have a psych degree), and I was a little unsure about what the picture was turning out to be. The counting increased quite a bit. Tripper truly has a gift with numbers. I realized though that he was using numbers to self soothe. Then the poop smearing started. We went through several months where every so often Tripp would poop during "rest time" and paint his room with it. This is when I started to loose it I think. I did everything I knew to stop this behavior. I even spanked him - it didn't seem to register and the look of pain on his face was pure torture. After one such experience I found myself laying in his bed with him, trying to calm his tears and wails and I just started crying with him. I remember saying along the way to both my mom and my friend Dasha that I was afraid I was going to screw him up. That allowing him to obssess over numbers combined with my reactions of extreme frustration over the potty training challenges was going to really just screw him up.

In late spring I decided to take him in to the pediatrician. He had been having a lot of snot off and on since like October. I thought he had allergies, but I was tired of wiping his nose non-stop so we went to the doctor. He had a sinus infection - bad mommy, he'd probably had it for 3 or more months by the time I took him to the doctor. To my credit, he never ran a fever and the snot would come and go so I didn't think too much of it. Anyway, at the encouragement of my mom I decided to talk to the pediatrician about my concerns when it came to his speech development and behavior. What I told the pedi was essentially this:

He plays with his poop. He tippy toes. He counts things endlessly. He lines things up precisely. He has a very short list of people he will make eye contact with or allow to interact with him. He knows numbers, letter, shapes, colors - but he can't have anything resembling a conversation. I haven't cut his nails in over a year because he chews on them. I know that any of these things by itself is nothing to be concerned about, but when I put it all together I'm conerned. What do you think?

He said, "I assume your conerned about Autism Spectrum Disorder?"

Me: Well, yes. I just don't want to over react, but I don't want to dismiss things either. Maybe my degree is just making my paranoid.

He said,"Well, it probably is making you a little more sensitive to what seem like red flags to you. You know, we really can't tell about Autism much until kids start school and we really get to see them along side other kids their age. I think we should just keep an eye on things and see how it goes."

I should really not use quotations there - that's from my memory, so I'm sure it's not EXACTLY what he said. And just in case youaren't sure about my thoughts on his opinion - I think it's a bunch of poo.

Me: OK. Well, what about his speech? Do you think he's on target for his age?

At this point I began to sense that he was slightly tired of our conversation and he said that we could "go ahead and do a referral to speech if it would make me feel better." At least it made me feel like I was doing something so I jumped on it.

I think that's when reality started to settle in for me. Our first session with Ginger was wonderful. She listened to everything I needed to say. More importantly, she watched Tripp. She interacted (or at least tried to) with Tripp. She didn't just chat with me while he milled about. Instead she focused on him while I answered her questions as best as I could. By the end of the session she was telling me that when we were ready she could refer him to see the Autism team in Temple. No business about him being too young - just an offer to help when the time came.

We've been seeing Ginger for several months now. About two and a half months ago as she was working with him during our normal time with her and she asked if we wanted to go see the team or if we felt good about the progress we were making. I wasn't ready and I hadn't really talked much with Easy about it so I told her I wanted to stick to what we were doing, but I wanted her assurance that when she felt like we needed to go she would tell me. Her response changed my world. She said, "Of course I will. I think it will be in the relative near future."

During the next month alot happened. Tripp spent a week with my folks (with his sibings) and his reaction to being away from us was hard. It took him nearly a month to re-bond with his daddy. It seemed that only I could do anything for him without him melting into a pile of tears on the floor. It slowly got better and he and Easy are back to their normal deal now. I had a long talk with my mom and after having a week engulfed in "Trippness" she said that she thought he would probably wear an ASD label at some point. That was hard to hear, but I trust my mom's opinion about kids after all the years she spent in education - some with an Autism unit on her campus. I processed stuff personally all month and then finally found the courage to talk with Easy. I told him that I fully expected Ginger to say it was time the next time we went in. It was a hard conversation. It was painful for both of us. In the end we decided that we would indeed go if Ginger felt it was appropriate.

Well, she did think it was time so we started the proces sof referral. It took 4 weeks to find out when our appointment is, and as I said at the beginning of this - it isn't until December. So now we are waiting. We don't know what to expect but there are a few things we know to be true:

God is good.

God made Tripp exactly the way he is.

God is good.

It doesn't matter what label our son does or doesn't need, we could never love him any less.

God is good.

Tripp brings joy to this world.

God is good.

Easy and I are united in praying for God's will in this situation.

God is good.

At the moment that is what I'm hanging on to.

Pitiful Performance

2007-09-21T08:27:00.000-05:00

That sums up my opinion of how I did this week. I ran one day, I've eaten fast food 3 times, and I haven't had my quiet time all week. I wish I could give you an explanation, or at least rationalize it somehow, but I've got nothing really - except that I let Satan get the best of me this week I think; convincing me daily it would be better to stay in bed than to get up and meeet my Lord under the stars. My energy level has stunk it up big time. My head has been so-so this week - I took an Imitrex yesterday and I can tell I'll be taking one again before I leave for work today. I did go to the doctor about all that on Tuesday - she wants to run some blood work (which I'm doing today) and do a brain scan (CT) to be sure we rule out any other medical causes for the increase in my headaches before she puts me on any medication. I know this is a good thing - she's being thorough. It also stinks because in the meantime I wait and pray that I don't have headaches. And even though I know the brain scan is really to rule things out it's a little unnerving to know that my doctor feels a need to look at my brain - that there is even a remote possibility that some thing is wrong with my brain. Of course, after a week like this I'll just be happy to know that they actually find my brain in there and I have indeed not lost it completely!

I do have one bit of VERY good news to report - 4 years ago my cholesterol was 212. That's bad in case you don't know. After the changes I've made in lifestyle over the last several months I'm happy to report my cholesterol is now a beautiful 156! That totally made it worth going to the doctor Tuesday even though she didn't have any answers regarding my headaches. She did ask my something I thought was funny - it was about my sleep patterns. I think that I sleep better right now than I have in a long time. I don't know if that's out of sheer exhaustion or what, but I typically lay down and pass out at night instead of laying there for what used to be hours unable to turn off my brain and go to sleep. So after I gave her that answer she says, "Good, so most mornings you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to get up and start your day?" What? I kind of laughed and said, "Well, maybe twice a week I feel that way." Does anybody feel totally refreshed and ready to get up and get going everyday? Or even MOST days? I think perhaps this is one of the great ills of American culture - we simply have no appreciation for genuine rest.

I'm going to my folks house for the weekend - I always feel more rested after that. There's something about being under my parent's roof that somehow lifts a burden or reduces my stress level. Please pray that we have safe travel and that I return home rested and ready to return to the journey I'm on with renewed focus and energy.

To Know and Not Do

2007-09-17T06:22:00.000-05:00

Easy has this saying he uses sometimes that I have always agreed with in principle. He says "To know and not do is not to know." I will admit that I don't always like it when he makes this comment as it often convicts me. My good friend Dasha has argued with him about he validity of the statement. Dasha and I went to grad school together - we have psych degrees and counseling degrees and it is really easy to fall into the belief that "knowing" a truth is a positive first step and therefore you can "know" without "doing." I think the longer Dasha works in the field the more she's agreeing with Easy's statement. I've personally always agreed with it, I just don't like it when he uses it on me. So that's some background...........

I am currently doing a study on the Book of James for Ladies' Bible Class. Foree, our preacher, is also teaching a series on Sunday nights on James. I'm thinking there is something I'm supposed to learn right now from James. Yesterday, as part of the LBC study, I read through the entire book. Chapter 4 verse 17 jumped out at me.

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Ouch. To know and not do is not to know - it also happens to be sinful. Eeeek. I am a sinner indeed. (or rather, in lack of deed I guess) I think this ties in some with a post from a few weeks back - to know you want more from "church" but do nothing about - sin. To know your body is a Temple of God and in need of serious repair and do nothing about it - sin. I've known for some time that my obesity (which I now beleive is only in the overweight category) was sinful, but I was thinking more long the lines of gluttony - I hadn't really thought about my lack of action to remedy that current state of affairs as being sinful in itself. To know you should give financially to your church and not do it - sin. To know the Spirit is prompting you to make a phone call, stop and visit someone, reach out to a visitor, or pray for a friend and not do it - sin. To know that your spouse is in need of some extra attention, or affirmation, or physical intimacy and not do it - sin. To know that God is calling you to a ministry you feel unequiped for, scared of, skeptical about and therefore not follow His lead - SIN.

This speaks strongly to those who walk around feeling like they are doing "pretty good." You know the mantra - I don't drink, I don't smoke, I take care of my family, I tithe my earnings, I've got checkmarks in all the boxes on my list. Here's the trouble - God wants so much more from us than a checklist of chores. He wants our heart. He wants our life. He wants to call out to us and have us respond with excitement, "Yes Lord! Yes, yes, yes! Whatever it is you need me to do I will do it. Because I KNOW who you are and who I am in you I am willing to make any sacrifice and do all that you ask!" How often is that our response? Not often enough for me.

Scripture tells us over and over that God has work planned for us, that He will bless our efforts when in accordance with His will. So why do we so often hesitate? Because Satan busys us with life on this earth. We allow our focus to become work and soccer practice and PTO and housecleaning and we think we simply don't have time. Sometimes we get so busy with life on this earth that we don't make time to converse with God. If we aren't conversing with Him, how will we ever even hear what it is He has planned for us to do?

OK, my thoughts are starting to splinter so I better close this for now. As for this week - I encourage you all to listen closely to the whisper of the Spirit in your life. If you know He wants you do something, do it. And have peace and confidence that you just "passed" one of the many trials of your faith.

A Better Week

2007-09-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it was definitely better this week. I ran three days (MTF). I am discovering how very important sleep is to me these days. I think it contributes a great deal to the headaches (lack of sleep that is). On the days I am in bed by 10:00 I have no trouble getting up to run. If I don't hit the sack until after 10:30 it's a whole other story - and if I do get up and run I usually wind up with a headache. You wouldn't think 30 minutes makes that much difference, but I guess the truth is I'm either in bed between 9:30 & 10:00 or not until after 11:00 - that's a more significant difference. So, next week I will focus on trying to get to bed at a consitent (and earlier) time.

I had a scripture jump out in a big way for me this week. It spoke strongly to me, and I have "given" it to three friends that needed it this week as well - So, I'll share it with you too!

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to perservere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36

Have a blessed weekend.

Where I am

2007-09-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

is a place of frustration - I feel like my body is betraying me. No, I haven't put any pounds back on. I'm talking about pain - head pain to be exact and I'm sick and tired of having it. After that 3-day migraine I had a little while back I was very ready to talk to my OB/GYN about them when I had my yearly appointment this last Thursday. She's always treated my migraines because they are hormonally realted. After a long talk with her we decided it is time for me to see another doctor. The headaches are still hormonal, but not all of them. She's tried everything she knows to try with me over the last 5 years so I'm going to see my "regular" doctor on the 18th to see what she can do to help. I happen to know that she suffers from migraines too so I think she will be very understanding and aggressive in getting them under control. The good news from my yearly visit was all the kudos my doc gave me for the weight I've lost and the efforts I'm making to get healthy. You want the really not good part of Thursday...................

worst migraine of my life. I was literally laying on Tripp's bed in tears. I had to move from the couch to take him to the potty and we went to his room to get dry undies (he tends to pre-dribble a bit). I couldn't get up off the bed. I finally had Paris bring me the phone and called Stephanie to come help because I wasn't sure when Easy would be home and the kids were hungry and Vivie was in her playpen fussing and....well, I couldn't get myself together. I've always been able to get myself together. It was truly humbling to depend first on my 5 year old daughter to help me, and then on my sweet friend. I don't even remember seeing her face when she was here, I just know she showed up and fed my kids and helped Easy get them all squared away for bed time. I am so greateful for my girlfriends.

Needless to say, this beast of a headache kept me from running on Friday morning. (I did run on Thursday and I cut a lot of time off my last run) I am so frustrated. I don't even know what triggered this one. It wasn't hormonal. There were no storms blowing through. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary. I don't like taking medications, but at this point I am so ready to go to the doctor and have her tell me there is something I can take that will prevent this from happening again. It's time for preventative medicine - the treat it when it happens approach isn't cutting it anymore.

So, that's how my week ended up. I did purchase my book for book club this month and will start reading it this weekend. I will also be starting a study of the Book of James for Ladies' Class this week. I will probably start using that study as my morning quiet time.

Father, please help me this week as the rest of my schedule falls into place. Please keep the migraines away until I can see my doctor and then help me to understand what she says and choose the best treatment possible so these things won't continue to interfere with my daily life so much. Thank you for Stephanie who was so willing to grab her kids and head over here at a second's notice to help me. Thank you for a husband who didn't fuss or complain or even whine that I was out of comission with no notice and he was having to do stuff I normally do. Thank you for my precious daughter and for answering her prayer to make my head stop hurting that night. You are a mighty and graciouse God and I know that even though the experience was unpleasant, many lessons were taught on Thursday. Stephanie taught her boys what it is to be a friend. Paris saw first hand that you answer her prayers. I learned that my precious baby girl isn't shy about raising her hands to you and asking for what she know you will deliver. Thank you for all those lessons. I love you Lord. Amen.

Feeling Better

2007-09-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I had a bit of an allergy attack the last few days. I'm blaming it on the people who baled hay on the corner of the street leading to my neighborhood and all the lot owners who decided to mow their acre in my neighborhood. It kept me in bed yesterday - the Reset button didn't quite get pushed I supposed. Anyway, I was up and moving this morning. I trotted myself out the back door to discover......rain. So, I did a workout viedo in the living room. I'm hoping to actually get back on the street tomorrow.

Had a great book club Monday night. I'm excited about the next book we are reading......I'll up date my current reading list later.

Anyway, just wanted to be accountable on the exercise.....hope you are all having a good day!

Reset (again)

2007-09-03T08:55:00.000-05:00

Remember a while back when I blogged about the reset button? Well, I'm pushing it again. Last week was a tough one. There were lots of things happening. Paris started school, Tripp had an appointment with his speech therapist, I was starting my new job at church, Tripp got sick, Vivie was (is) cutting a tooth, etc... I don't know if was the stress of all that happening or what, but I only made it through mid-week before I fell off the health wagon. I did do my video workout Wednesday morning, but that was the last time I exercised! Lack of sleep Wednesday and Thursday nights kept me in bed just trying to get enough sleep to function on Thursday and Friday. My eating was so-so. The weekend was more of the same. I actually had pizza twice. My poor body wasn't quite sure what to do with that. I honestly expected the scale to show a weight gain after all that, but somehow - by the grace of God - I still managed to drop some pounds.

I intended to get things going again this morning, but with Easy home from work for the holiday I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to snuggle and snooze with my Smooch. Paris even wound up in our bed at some point so we had family snuggle time until I got up at 6:30. So, today I'm hitting the reset button again. I had a good breakfast and I'm determined to get back in the swing of things. T&V start Sonshine School tomorrow and I actually start keeping my office hours at work. Next week will be the final transition into my crazy fall schedule. We will add in keeping P&E (children of some friends at church) for 4 hours on Mondays and going to Ladies' Class on Wednesdays. I'm glad it's hitting in phases like that. I think I might not have made it if everything had started at once.

Book Club is meeting tonight at my house. I am excited to discuss The Pursuit of God with my friends. It is a very impactful book. I still have a bit to finish, so I'll get that done today. I have come away from it realizing how much more I want to know God and to spend time with Him. I realize that my logistical life makes it a challenge to find any bulk time to spend with Him on a daily basis, but I look forward to learning new ways to stay connected throughout my day and more than anything I want to learn how to and be better at teaching my children that our relationship with God is so much more than mealtime and bedtime prayers.

So, today, I solicit your prayers as I need to Reset my routine and still have two challenging weeks ahead as my fall schedule solidifies. I have no doubt in a month's time it will simply be "what we do" around here, but the transition into it is proving to be a little more challenging than I anticipated. Peace be with all of you as you are falling into your schedules as well.

Quick Update

2007-08-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

Well, things are picking up pace. Paris started school yesterday. She's doing great, I'm doing pretty good. Tripp and Viv start Sonshine School next week. We have Open House for that on Thursday. I met Tripp's teacher today - I really liked her. I think it won't take her long to get on "Tripp's Short List." (It's a very good thing to be on Tripp's Short List) Even though I don't officially start my job at the church until the 1st, I've been working a lot. I have no doubt I will be able to clock all 10 of my hours every week.

In the midst of all that I've been jogging daily. Easy has to leave early tomorrow so I will have to try that dance workout video again. Hopefully I'll keep up better since I've been through it once now. Eating has been steady. Sunday after church we went out to lunch with my folks at Wings n More. They are doing South Beach. We all splurged and ate fried food. Lesson? All that grease left me with one upset tummy. I'm glad to say I'm just not used to eating like that anymore.

In addition to my morning quiet time I have continued reading my book for Book Club. I can take it and read while I'm in line waiting to pick up Paris. That's a whole new experience for me. I am very much enjoying the book and looking forward to discussing it next Monday....I just need to actually finish reading it before then! I better go......chore yet to do and I need to hit the sack befor eit gets too late. 5:00 AM comes EARLY when you're not naturally wired as a morning person!

Challenging Week

2007-08-23T07:03:00.000-05:00

It has been just that. Eating has been OK. I don't keep really "bad" stuff in the house so it can't be too unhealthy, but along with PMS comes my cravings for first sweet things and then salty. I've found myself sort of raoming around my kitchen a lot this week, but all in all I think I've done alright.

Exercise has been tough with the headache and all. Monday a ran 1.25 miles. (I finally tracked it) Tuesday I bumped it to 1.5. I think I have been doing the 1.25 for over a week, so I was ready to increase. Wednesday I didn't do anything but lay in my bed and clutch my head until about 6:45. This morning Easy says I didn't even flinch when all the alarms went off - and we have 4 between the two of us! I woke up at 6:00 as he was getting dressed to leave. Good news is - I felt great. So, I got up and did a work out video in my living room before Paris got out of bed. Yea me! It was the first time I've done this particular video, so I was learning the routines - not the best workout, but definitely better than thinking it was too late and not doing anything! I am looking forward to my jog tomorrow. Next week things will get intense as school starts. Easy will have to leave the house by 6:00 and Paris will have to start getting up at 6:45 so there won't be a whole lot of wiggle room in the morning schedule. Please be praying that we can all adjust and maintain the habits we have begun forming.

I have been reading in The Pursuit of God this week. Man is there some major stuff in there! I can tell this will be a book I read over and over in my life. I'd like to share a few quotes that have impacted me this week.

"The instant cure of most of our religious ill would be to enter the Presence in spiritual experience, to become suddenly aware that we are in God and God is in us."

"...the highest love of God is not intellectual, it is spiritual. God is Spirit and only the spirit of man can know Him really."

Hmmmmmm. Now, how do I get there? How do I take my hectic, busy life and rearrange things so I have more encounters, actual spiritual experience, with God? Is it found in structured daily time - and how much time would that need? Is it something that can happen anytime, anywhere, as long as I'm "open" to know it's happening? Does the intellectual pursuit of God help or hinder the spiritual experience of Him? I'd love any input you have. I am realizing more everyday how very little I know - and more importantly, how very little I have experienced. Bottom line............I want more of God......and I'll continue my pursuit of Him until I am home with Him; praying daily that He can use me to help others while I am here, away from home.

Prayers Please

2007-08-22T12:23:00.000-05:00

I'm asking for your prayers today. I'm on day 3 of a migraine. It has been hitting full force and then fading with medicine, but it hasn't actually gone away since Monday morning. It kept me from jogging this morning. I know that it is my "normal monthly migraine," but it is hanging on a lot longer than usual. I'm sure this is because I have some anxiety and stress in several areas of my life at the moment. I'm sure everyone of you could say the same thing, but I think I'm just a bit overloaded in the mental department. I know it will be better after Paris actually starts school, and my new job actually starts (as though I'm not already working on it), and we go see Tripp's speech therapist again, etc.....it's the anticipation of all those things that has me a little strung out. Thanks for your prayers.

Check it out!

2007-08-20T07:20:00.001-05:00

Please take a moment to see my side bar............that's right folks, I hit the 20!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I was talking with a friend in the nursery yesterday morning about creating the health habit and how good you feel when you see progress. For the first time in YEARS I feel like I am truly on the right track to getting this temple in tip top shape. I finally made the commitment God prompted me to make, and as I have heard over and over again from different sources in the last few months (do you ever feel like God is practically yelling at you when you keep getting a message like that?) :

God honors commitment.

Rejoice with me today my friends. God is good. God is faithful. All honor and credit and glory is due to Him alone. Have a blessed Monday!

A Few Thoughts

2007-08-16T06:59:00.000-05:00

Over the last two years or so I have repeatedly come across a general feeling among some of my fellow beleivers that has been disturbing to me. It is by no means something that I think makes them bad people, or that in truth even effects their Salvation. It does, however, effect their daily walk and the relationship that God wants to have with them. Many times I have heard statements that are in truth, complaints. Things like "Why don't we have more things for the men to get toegther and bond?", "I just wish there were more opportunities for people to get to know each other, really know each other," or "We're not going anywhere, but he's just not really happy here," and the one that has really been the kicker for me, "I just don't feel like I can grow spiritually here." (this one has often been stated about one's spouse and not the individual speaking) My concern and irritation with these kind of comments as been growing and I've been thinking a lot about what they mean and what it is that our "regular" services should actually be doing for people. I had come to the conclusion that most of these statements come from two places:

1. The person who feels a desire for more connection to God and their Christian family, but who hasn't realized that is what they are looking for exactly.

or

2. The person (in the case of the last statement) who recognizes their desire to "grow spiritually" and feels that should be happening by simply attending church.

I think I have more empathy with person #1. I've been there. It took me a long time to get through the frustration of wanting more time with God and wanting more time to build relationships with God's people. Want to know what got me through? I started creating opportunities to spend more time with my brothers and sisters. I started plugging in to what was already available and intentionally spending time with my church family OUTSIDE of Sunday and Wednesday services. Going through that procces led me to feel the desire expressed by person #2. I had begun to truly bond with my sisters in Christ, I saw my husband begin relationships with some brothers yet I still found myself feeling like I wanted more.....it was God I needed, not just His children. That's when I started this blog. The journey over the last few months has been amazing and I look forward to the rest of my life walking daily closer to my Father.

So why does the #2 statement up there bother me so much? I guess I get frustrated because I really don't beleive the function of Sunday morning is to "grow spiritually." I don't think that really happens until you start an intentional seeking for a closer relationship with God. Yesterday as I was reading in The Pursuit of God I read the following:

How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers.

Nail on the head. There are so many who want someone else to do all the seeking and discerning and then just hand them the lesson on a nice little platter. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with learning from another person's journey. I actually do beleive that's part of why God calls us to fellowship - so we can share our lessons with one another. But the truth is that learning from others, or listening to sermons, is NEVER going to replace the richness of the relationship with God that is available to us when we earnestly seek Him on our own.

I can tell you honestly that I have sought God in spurts throughout my life. In the last 6 months I have sought Him more deliberatey than ever before and the relationship I have with Him now, the way I can so clearly see Him working in me and my life, the blessing of peace that I feel daily is more than I can put into words. Brothers and sisters, God desires a relationship with YOU. And whether you have come to understand it or not, you desire a relationship with Him. It's there for you, all you have to do is pursue it. He is so happy to see you there on Sunday morning, but He has so much more He wants to share with you if you will seek Him out the rest of the week as well.

Paris has been a great example of this a basic principle for me as of late. She is in a constant state of desire to have one-on-one time with me or Easy (or even her Graggie!). It seems to not matter that I spend ALL day with the kids. It's not just being in the house with me she wants. It's not even sitting in the floor playing with everyone that she wants. What she wants is me all to herself for as long as possible - sometimes just to sit together with no one else around. I realize that is how we should be with God. That is how I've become. I am in constant need of time alone with Him. I don't always want to play with my Christian siblings. I want one-on-one time with my Father God - sometimes just to sit together. You can't get that on Sunday mornings. My hope for everyone reading this is that you recognize that a desire for God alone is the need that stirs up all those comments we here, and sometimes make ourselves, about that "state of things" wherever we worship. When I hear comments like those I hope God can use me in some way to help that person find what they are looking for. To find in themselves the truth that they are a child of God and, as it iswith all children, what they desire more than anything else is a relationship with their Father.

Just a few of my thoughts as of late..............

Ouch!

2007-08-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

That's what I said about 2/3 through my run this morning. Today was the first day I took my iPod so I could run to music. I felt like my pace was significantly quicker with that added boost. Anywho - I'm headed back in the main road of our subdivision and it feels like I have a monster charley horse in my left calf. I thought for a minute that I could run through it but quickly determined that would be foolish. I stopped and rubbed it out and stretched. It hurt pretty bad so I walked the rest of the way home. I was frustrated because the run was feeling really good right up until then. Anyway, it's still sore and there's actually a bit of a lightly bruised spot so I'm thinking it may be a more than a good old camp. So, I'm taking some motrin and I'll probably just walk tomorrow and then see how I'm doing. Grrrrrrrr.

Food was so-so over the weekend. I could have done worse, but I definitely could have done better. We ate at Fuddrucker's (sp?) Saturday and I ate a burger. It's been a long time since I indulged in a pile of grease like that. I had heart burn later. I somehow convinced myself it was the right choice because it was $2 cheaper than the chicken salad I was looking at. So, I saved $2 but got heart burn and was left with the knowledge that I made a poor choice.

I've been reading that book in my sidebar about wealth. I haven't read anything earth shattering yet - just your basic God doesn't condemn wealth, he just warns us that it can be a great temptation. At this point all I've gotten from the book is the wish that he used a different version of the Bible for all his scripture references. I guess I'm a little spoiled and haven't read KJV in a LONG time. It's cumbersome.

I also startedThe Pursuit of God this morning during my quiet time. I enjoyed the part I read and felt like it gave me just enough of a taste to know this book is what I need to read right now. I am overwhelmed with the desire to live a life so led by the Spirit that it affects my every choice. I know that if I'm not seeking God out, I surely won't hear His voice (or nudge, or prompting) when He wants to lead me in a certain direction. Seems to me that if I'm constantly seeking God and His will for my life then some of the "tough choices" probably won't be so tough. I am struggling though to find enough dedicated prayer time. I pray in spurts all day when things cross my mind, but I want to have more time that is soley dedicated to prayer. I was doing this at the end of my quiet time before, but since I started getting up to jog I find myself falling asleep during prayer time. I'm hoping that once school starts I can use part of the kids naptime in the afternoon (before Paris gets home!) to spend in prayer. In the meantime I'll keep on keepin' on!

Thick Spit

2007-08-08T07:56:00.001-05:00

I know that sounds gross, but today it is a good thing. I actually ran far enough/long enough today that when I was done I had thick spit. Maybe you don't get that when you work out, but to me it is a sign that I was working hard and kept my heart rate up for a substantial period of time. I new digital watch is on my Wal-Mart list this week so I will soon be able to report how long I'm actually running. (I had to throw out my old watch because my precious baby girl got some, um, "stuff" on it that left a smell I could not get rid of.)

Eating is going well - I've found myself hungrier lately, but I'm sure that's because of the jogging. It's getting very easy to make good choices in this area. Even when I splurge like I did on Sunday it isn't hard to stick to my "better ways" afterwards.

Clutter control hasn't caught up to where I would like it, but I'm going to keep working on it. Yesterday a friend of mine (who has 5!! kids) came over and helped me clean and refill our pool. All the rain had turned it green so we had to drain it and start over. It was quite a workout getting it done, but we did it and I'm sure Paris will be in the pool playing ASAP!

Book club was very good Monday night. It amazes me how God can have us all on different journeys yet still find so many things in common. I cherish my BC friends and I know that my life is better becaue they are in it. This month we will be reading The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. Regardless of where we are on our journey, we all are feeling a thirst, want, desire, NEED to have more time with God. To have what Max Lucado called a "God saturated soul." We want to be more attuned to the Spirit that dwells in us. I suppose that's the core of it - different journeys, different churches, differend personalities - all wanting a closer relationship with our Father. My prayer for all of you this week is that you get up and pursue it.

Run for your Life!!!

2007-08-06T07:01:00.000-05:00

Just kidding. I guess in a way that's what I'm doing though. I want to get this temple in shape so it can serve well the enitre time it exists on this earth. So, I suppose I am running for life. Anywho......

Consumption: I continue to do well in this area. I did have a big splurge yesterday. We had Taco Bell for lunch. I had a migraine when we left church and couldn't think straight much less prepare lunch for my family so we picked up good ol' greasy Taco Bell. The fun part was discovering that Vivian can eat the same amount of cheese quesadilla that Tripp and Paris do! I will say that the change I've made in my eating habits are begning to feel like just that - habits. Whole wheat products taste good to me. I even found myself picking all the veggies out of a dish recently - to eat them first! My how things have changed!

Exercise: Well, I started jogging in the early am last Wednesday (the 1st). WTF I got up around 5:30 and hit the street. I haven't a clue how far I went, but each day I went farther. Mostly I proved to myself that I could do it. This morning I got up at 5:15 and pushed it harder. Today was the first time I've come close to jelly legs at the end. Don't get me wrong, I've been sore since last Wednesday, but I knew I could push harder. I just don't want to hurt myeslf so I'm easing into it. My plan is to stick with 5:15 this week and roll it back to 5:00 next week. That way I'll be ready by the time school starts and Easy has to start leaving the house by 6:00. By the way, it feels good to know that as I write this I've already done my exercise!!!

Clutter Control: Well, while the kids were away at my folks for their annual "Graggie-Dadoo Vacation" I got quite a bit done. I sorted through mountains (and I mean MOUNTAINS) of clothes and got them organized. I took a bunch of stuff to the re-sale shop (not just clothes). I still have quite a bit of clothing to take there - I wanted to do it in spurts so I get a better return on it. I also took a bunch of clothes to a friend who just had her first baby girl. That was weird - I actually babysat this young lady at one time and now I'm sharing baby clothes with her. Man I'm getting old! I also moved some furniture around and reorganized/cleaned out toys in all three kids' rooms. My goal this week is to get back on my cleaning schedule so I can have a clean house again!

Spiritual Development: My book club meets tonight. We've been reading Max Lucado's Facing Your Giants. After reading my last post I'm sure you can see how well timed this was for me. I have a few chapters to finish before we meet tonight, but it has really been good. I'll share my favorite quote so far (I read it this morning - yes, I've been running AND I've read several chapters!). In reference to David's treatment of Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan:

The king is kind, not because the boy is deserving, but because the promise is enduring.

And isn't our King just that way.

Long

2007-08-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

It's going to be a long post. It's a post that is long overdue.

I've had a bit of a blogging block lately. Truth is I've had lots to say, but wasn't ready to say any of it. God has been working hard on the heart of this temple. In the last few weeks I (and my husband) have had to deal with mistakes from our past in a big way. I'm struck by how long I was just going through life hiding mistakes that added up to a large black hole. The process of facing this black hole (this would be the black hole of financial debt) has brought me closer to God. It also brought Easy and I closer together.

At this point I feel no need to expound on how we got where we are. The were mistakes made. Stupid, foolish, and prideful mistakes. That's really all that matters. Since I began this blog I have known that God was bringing me to a point of reckoning on this topic. Several months ago He released me from the burden of shame regarding this sin. That's what it is you know.....sin. He also told me to confess it. I politely ignored him. (there really is nothing polite about ignoring, is there?) So, as He always does, He let me stew a while and then brought me back to it again. He came offering blessings if only I would obey. (that's how He always works you know - He wants to bless us more than we can comprehend.......if only we will obey) It has forced Easy and me to talk about things we like to avoid. God once again reminded me that my thoughts and ideas are important and should be heard, but that my husband is the head of my household. Compromises were made. Tears were shed. In the end we were left with a plan to fill in the black hole and drive on into our future. In His infinite mercy God has given us a way to get out and move on. Thank you does not do justice to the gratitude I feel.

In going through this process I frequently thought of my brother. Not that he has any debt issues, but I know that he has been through periods in his life when he had to "come clean" about something to people he loved. For the first time I truly understand some of the torture that it is to have a secret. Did I go out of my way to hide our debt? No. But it was still a secret. Was it hurting anyone? Just us. But it was still something in my life that I knew was wrong and even though the active accumulation had stopped years ago I avoided anyone finding out. It was my dirty little secret. Confessing a big goof is hard. Telling people you love the truth knowing that it will disappoint them tremendously is amazingly difficult. At one point I even found myself asking, "What good does it do to tell them if we already have it handled?" Then the song the preschoolers at church sing went prancing through my head "I'm happy to obey, I'm happy to obey. I'll come quickly when Daddy calls. I'm happy to obey." So I picked up the phone and made the call I needed to make. Easy? no Fun? clearly not. Obedient? yes.

And now I can move on in the remodeling process. God has had me dwelling in the above described room until it was complete. I'm not foolish enough to think I will never have to give the pride room an overhaul again, but for now it has been torn down and rebuilt in the likeness of Christ. I will strive to keep it that way.

In other remodeling news........I went on my trip and came home with NO weight gained. This is a big deal for me. I usually throw it all out the window on trips like this, so to come home and still be at the 15 pound lost mark makes me happy. I was also very convicted over the weekend about the struggle I've had with exercise. Several of the speakers we heard mentioned the importance of focus. One of the speakers talked about something he does called "extreme running." Talk about focus - this man runs 30 miles like it's nothing. These little tidbits along with many others left me at the end of the weekend knowing what I need to do to start my days on the right foot.

So, here's the "new plan": I'm getting up to go jogging at 5:00 AM M-F. Now, before you fall out of your chair let me say this - many of you have met me in the last 10 years. You don't know that I used to run. I would run with my dad. (Hmmmmmm, perhaps having to be honest with him about the other deal helped bring me back to this as well-------it all seems so connected sometimes) I ran some while in college. Before Easy and I got married I met some buddies and ran 3 miles 2-3 times a week. So the running part isn't really all that shocking. As for the time of day - it makes total sense to me. Even though I have the tools and ability to work out at home with the kids, I am totally distracted while trying to do it. Thing is, I don't need to try to do it.......I need to do it. At 5:00 in the morning Easy is still home and I can hit the street with no need to have half my brain thinking about the kids. I can also go run, get home, shower, and have my quiet time before the kids are awake. Like I said, it makes perfect sense to me. I got up this morning and was surprised at how easy it was to get out of bed and put on my Asics. It's been a great day today. Starting my day off with jogging - which always leads to prayer (there's something about the rhythm of my feet that leads to open communication) - fills several needs. It helps my daily schedule, it helps my body get healthier, and it gives me time to talk with God, no distractions.

So there you go - all caught up on the remodeling that's been going on in this temple. I feel confident I will be posting regularly again now that I'm renewed, refocused, and relieved. God is so amazingly good to His children. When we find ourselves at the lowest point, He simply steps in, scoops us up, dusts us off, and gives us a level path to start on again.

Father, thank you so much for your mercy and grace. Give me the strength to continue making this temple a place you are pleased to dwell in. Give me the restraint to be a better steward of all the blessings you have given me. Let me focus on you and your plan for my life. Let pride not take root in my heart. I want to live a transparent life Lord, that way people can see right through me to you. Amen.

Holding Steady

2007-07-24T19:07:00.000-05:00

I've had a bit of a blogging block. No doubt this has something to do with my focus being split in many directions at the moment. We're going out of town for the weekend and I have no doubt I will feel able to sort of catch you all up on what God's been doing in my life. I just need a little more time to process at the moment. As far as the physical remodeling goes - I'm holding steady at the 15 pounds lost mark. Again, after the trip this weekend I plan to do what I can to propel that forward, including putting physical exercise as a higher priority than watching my soap or blabbing on the phone. I appreciate those of you who reminded me that it's jsut a decision and I'm the only one who can make it. So, enjoy your week and weekend, I'll be back to posting after my trip.

Hep Peese

2007-07-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

Or at least that's how Tripp says it. What I'm really trying to say is: Help Please! So here's my delimma............I'm really struggling with the exercise component of getting this temple in tip top shape. I've had some succes loosing weight with just the dietary change and taking good vitamins/supplements. Since starting this blog I've lost 12.5 pounds. It's not a lot, but it's been slow and steady and as the tortoise (sp?) knows, that wins the race. I do feel like I could pick up my pace a bit if I could get the exercise consitent and more frequent. So, I'm asking for tips, recommendation, ideas, anything...........Here's what I have to work with:

3 children (two can ride in a a stroller, 1 can ride a bike - that's how we do walking at the park)
Exerball w/ 2 videos (one abs and the other pilates)
2 aerobic workout videos
Rubber tubing to do resistance exercises and the book that explains them all

I desire to work out in some fashion M-F. I usually walk with friends on M & F, but I know that when the fall semester rolls around that will not work anymore. I will be starting a new part-time job working at church and will most likely be keeping some kids in my home on Mondays. So, I'm looking to find a routine that's consistent, but still flexible. I mean, if I dedicate Fridays to walking outdoors but wind up with a sick kid I should change that day to aerobics in the living room or something.

Really what I find happening is that the days I'm not commited to meeting my girlfriends to walk I wind up not working out at all. I get to the "rest time" part of the day and with all 3 kids squared away I find myself reading or watching the 1 soap I still keep up with (thanks to the magic of DVR), or chatting on the phone with friends.

I guess the real problem isn't finding the time or having the tools, it's finding the motivation. So maybe you guys out there in blog land can help me come up with a reward system for myself. Obviously, it can't be food. It also needs to not cost more than like a buck a week (read: it needs to be free because there is little to no wiggle room in the budget). Maybe it could be weekly dependent on working out each day. Or maybe I need to restrict something I already do like computer time or TV time until after I've done it. I don't know - I'm asking for suggestions. I think maybe a combination of restricting activities and rewarding consistency would be best, I just haven't a clue how to really set that up. So, those of you who know me well, be brave and call me out here. And those of you who don't know me well - you can call me out too. Chastisement and tips (and encouragement) are welcome at this point.

Not Dead

2007-07-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

Hello out there! I just wanted to let you know that I'm not dead, but my interent was for about 10 days. So, here's a breif catch up. God is good. 'Nuff said.

But since I'm never good at letting a few words ays what a lot of words could..............I'm doing OK. My eating has stayed pretty good. I'm getting in more quiet times than I was. I'm still struggling with the exercise part - my walking days are allways great, but the rest of the days it seems to fall to the bottom of the list and I never get to it. Mainly, I can tell you that God is really working on me. He's providing for me. He's reminding me that I must be humble. He's also reminding me that amazing things are ahead. Thank you all for your prayers. I should get back in the groove of frequent posting now that my internet is functional again!

Treading Water

2007-07-06T16:33:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not sinking, but I certainly don't feel like I'm making forward motion these days. This week has been as crazy as last. Swim lessons finished today so I can at least get hooked back up with my walking buddies next week and return to my "normal" structure. I think that will help some. I've been beating myself up a bit because I feel like I've been eating a lot of junk. The funny part is that what I'm now considering junk is still WAY healthier than my normal food was three months ago. Things like the yummy dessert my mom taught me how to make with sugar free fudge-pops, sf cool whip, and natural pb. Like I said, WAY healthier than cookies, but to me it now seems like junk food. I've been thinking about why the last two weeks have seemed so challenging to me and here's what I've come up with...............

I walk in circles. I think we all do actually. I think the particular circle I got caught in this time is this: I try hard to loose weight, I try programs & groups & systems, I realize I need God's help, He provides me with help, I start to do well, I think I don't need help anymore, I struggle, I regress, I try hard to lose weight.

I'm currently in the I struggle part - I think I've actually shifted my circle a bit because I've realized what is happening and am making every effort to not start over but instead go straight back to the Source of all help and all good things. I do think Satan has been captivating my thoughts lately and as scripture tells me I need to take those very thoughts captive once again. Those thoughts are for God and by letting Satan have a party in my brain I'm short-circuiting the whole system. I guess the good news is that I don't really feel like I'm having to push reset this time. Instead it's more like I've been on pause and all I have to do is push play and I can continue on the journey without having to go back to the beginning. So, how do I push play? I think I have to ask God to push it for me. Daily, on my knees, I need to ask God to be my remote control - the beautiful part is that He isn't so "remote"! My God is a very hands-on dude. Just ask my friend Kara - her example has inspired the last few weeks as she had stepped out on faith and let God truly lead her life in any direction He sees fit. I know she and her family will be blessed by her faith.

I guess that's it for now. That was probably too many mixed metaphors for one post, but that's just how my brain is working right now. If you think my thoughts are hard to read and follow, you should try living with them!

Pray for me sweet friends, I need God's strength and courage to propel me forward in more than one area of my life right now. I know all to well that if your tread water for too long you eventually get tired and start to drown. I want to swim ahead and reach the other side where I can live in joyful obedience to a Father I know has plans for me.

Walking Backwards

2007-06-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

That's kind of how I felt this week. My schedule was all out of sorts and I never found a groove. Paris had swim lessons every morning so my regular exercise routine for the week didn't happen...at all. We've been staying up late (read: sleeping late). I didn't get enough reading done (I have like a half a book to read before our book club meets on Monday!) I guess I did OK with food. I really felt the effects of the female monthly this week. I've always known the I crave some chocolate during the pms phase, but I really craved carbs all week. I ate oatmeal almost everyday and even had a piece of bread (whole grain & sugar free!) every day with one meal or another. Lots less fruits than I had been eating. It was just a weird week. I'm humbly asking for your prayers this next week as swim lessons continue and my daily routine will continue to be less than "normal". We are also having a BBQ with a few friends on the 4th. I "politely suggested" that everyone bring health conscious sides/desserts to go with the fake fried chicken I'm making (it's baked) and all the meat Easy will be grilling. More than anything I solicit your prayers that I can put my head back in the word on a a daily basis. Just because my kids are sleeping later doesn't mean I have to. Please pray that God nudge me from my bed each morning so I can start the day off at His feet instead of hitting mine in response to the coos and cries of my children.

Weekend In Review

2007-06-24T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm feeling convicted to post about my weekend. It was a busy one. I know I made a few choices that were less than great, but I also made some that were really good. So, here's the low-down:

Friday night was date night. This was our first date night since I've made than major nutritional changes in my diet. We went to Abuello's - our first time there. I was a little nervouse because I LOVE Mexican food - the tortillas, the cheese, the chips, the queso (that's cheese again!), the enchilada sauce, refried beans....and the list of less than healthy favorites goes on and on. So, we get seated and instead of queso, we ordered some guacamole and when we finished the guac I removed the chips from our reach. What really made me happy is that I had a hard time choosing between all the health-full options because the all sounded so good! I ended up ordering some grilled skewers (chicken & shrimp) and I substitued fresh broccoli for the mexican mashed potatoes that came with it. I got no dessert. The splurge for that meal would definitely be the chips at the beginning and the fruity adult beverage I had. (there's a story behind that - it was long overdue......if my future matches my past I won't have another drink like that for a few years!) All in all I felt I handled the evening well. Oh, and some calories got bruned. I'll leave it at that. :-) (I apologize, this is supposed to be my spiritual blog - I usually reserve comments like that for my other blog - oops.)

So then came Saturday - Paris' 5th b-day party. I think the day went fantastic! The kids had a blast and most importantly for me, I didn't eat a piece of cake or ice cream! I have to shout out for my friend Kara as well. She made the cake (which looked amazing as always!) and she didn't even take a nibble in the process - no cake crumbs, no icing. Way to go Kara! My hubby saved me late in the day. I was tired and was thinking things like, "Let's just go grab some burgers or something." Before I could say anything of the sort he suggested we bake the trout he caught on a fishing trip recently. We baked it and had it over whole grain brown & wild rice. Yum-O! I did have two pinches of cake that night, it tasted great, but was sweet enough that I didn't even want more. My how my body has changed it's preferences already!

And that brings us to today. Today is Paris' actual b-day. She's been planning all week to eat at Doubledave's. I was pleased when we walked in to see that DD's is now offering a healthier fare on "green trays" in their buffet. The crust is a honey wheat crust and they use chicken and veggies and much less cheese. Sadly, the went a bit overboard with the onions (which I don't even like on my pizza anyway) so I passed on the green tray and ate the real stuff. I didn't over eat though. My second transgression would be at dinner - I made pancakes for Paris and I ate some. I could really tell that the whole concept of "carb addiction" is real today. After eating those things I found myself really wanting a piece of her cake. Instead, we went out to the back porch and had some watermelon. We also went for a family walk this evening, so I worked in some exercise. Not my best day far as the food goes, but it was a fabulous family day. We even got to all go to worship service together. I usually work the nursery, but I took the day off today so we could all be together all day. It was wonderful.

OK, there you have it. I know I could have done a lot worse than I did, but I still own the fact that I made a few bad choices. As Easy reminded me, it's not a big deal that I "splurged," I just need to remember that this week I will probably have to face some of those cravings down again. I know with God's strength and y'all's encouragement I will get through any momentary cravng and keep this temple headed in the right direction.

Tough Week

2007-06-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

That's what it's been. Tripp spiked a fever at VBS on Tuesday evening. He ran one all day Wednesday and has had a rash all over for two days now. Fever is gone though. That prevented me from keeping my "normal" schedule. I'm also PMS-ing which makes me very tired and very cranky. All that together makes it harder to make good choices with food! I've done well though. Wednesday night I actually had the frozen burritos in my hand when I stopped and thought about what I was doing. I put them up and stir-fryed a big bunch of veggies instead. The PMS really does make my sweet tooth scream. (and I mean SCREAM) I've been having a bowl of oatmeal sweetened with Splenda in the evenings. Today I did hit my stash - I keep some dark chocolate on hand for days like today when I'm barely hanging on to sanity and that tooth just won't shut up. I ate two little squares of the bar and put the rest back int the zip-top baggie.

Anywho........I have been reading in Beth Moore and also in the book on contenement for LBC. My quiet time this morning is what stuck with me today though. I'm in Luke 20-something. It was about the "end of days." The study guide I use prompted with a question on my personal feelings when thinking of the end of days. I thought for a minute and found that it doesn't really matter to me if it's now or not. Every day I just want to get up and do what God needs me to do that day. Some days that's all about being Mom, somtimes it's being there for a friend, sometimes it's speaking something out loud that I don't want to say but He's prompting me to anyway, sometimes it's all about being a wife, whatever the task - that's all I want to do each day. I want to follow His lead. If we are nearing the end of days I say "Woo Hoo!!! Let's go home!" If we're not, then so what - it doesn't really change what I want to do every day - simply follow His lead. I know that He will always be leading me to do things that will increase His kindgom and I'm begining to understand and beleieve that He actually has a job for me, Sarah Foster, to do.

Update

2007-06-19T14:52:00.001-05:00

It's been crazy and busy and I was even without internet for a bit. We had water running in our internet cable that attaches to the big antenna on top of the house. Yes, I said water, running into an electrical system. Glad I caught it when I did and now it's all better.

Consumption: Has been going really well. I find that making good choices is easier every day. The weekend was challenging as I attended a potluck on Saturday, and had to eat at Whataburger that same night. I did pretty good though. I chose to have NO dessert at the potluck and NO bread. At dinner I ordered a grilled chicken salad, but I did bum some fries off a friend. They tasted good, but I didn't even finish all of them so I think I ate maybe a quarter of an order of medium fries.

Exercise: Last week was not so good as I was fighting off some sickness. I did walk on Friday and I walked again on yesterday. I just didn't do T-TH last week.

Clutter Control: barely keeping up

Spiritual Development: I'm back in Luke for morning quiet time. I didn't do that this morning. The whole house overslept. VBS kept us up late last night. I am reading in the Beth Moore book and am enjoying it quite a bit. I'm about to start the chapter on beleiving I am who God says I am. Knowing that is an area I really struggle with made me decide last night that it could wait for today. I had already read two chapters and thought I should wait until I was more awake to dive into that topic.

Oh - and the # on the scale is dropping!!! My clothes are beginning to fit a bit deffierently as well. Since starting this blog I have lost 10.5 pounds. Keep the prayers and support coming as I celebrate freedom from those pounds while knowing there's a good 30-40 more to go!

An Example

2007-06-14T13:09:00.000-05:00

I thought I would provide an example of how I'm changing my food choices to be a healthier temple.

Old Sarah

Breakfast: 2 Waffles with I Can't Beleive It's Not Butter and Brown Sugar. Probably some Bacon on the side - 4 pieces.

Lunch: Tuna salad (made with canned tuna ,mayo, & relish) sammie on white sandwich bread with at least one slice of cheese. Side of chips of some sort.

Snack: 100 calorie pack of some sort of sugary proccesed food. Or a bowl of chips. Or a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.

Dinner: Bread of some sort, pasta dish of some kind - usually with beef and some sort of creamy or cheesy sauce or tomto sauce, maybe some salad or a side veggie that was turned into a casserole (meaning cheese, butter, or any manner of other ingredients was added)

Snack: see above snack and repeat

New Sarah

Breakfast: Meal replacement bar or shake OR an egg sramble with ham and veggies.

Snack: Whole fruit or light yogurt or handful of almonds

Lunch (this is what I had today): Salmon salad (made with salmon, light mayo, olives, relish, and slivered almonds) heaped a top one piece of whole grain bread

Snack: Whole fruit, veggie and dip (that I made from chickpeas and olives - not sure but I may have made hummus without knowing it), light yogurt, or turkey wrapped around a low-fat string cheese.

Dinner: Varies - we're still working our way through our most recent Big Cook and it was done before I made this shift. So, it's usually a small portion of whatever that entree is plus some veggies (whole raw, steamed, or sauted in EVOO) or salad.

Snack: Any of the above mentioned snacks.

Small changes with a big effect. I feel better. I have more energy. The number on the scale is smaller. My kids are making much better choices for their foods! It helps that the not so good options aren't in the house.

Hanging In........

2007-06-14T07:36:00.001-05:00

The last two days have been OK.

Consumption has been very good. I'm surprised at how easy this eating thing is becoming. I do, however, still have to fight some cravings in the late evening - usually for waffles and something cheesy. I guess I'm still working on kicking that carb addiction. It's definitely getting better though!

I mised the last two days of exercise. Tuesday I took a nap because I'd only had 3 hours of sleep and had lost my voice so I was trying to get better. Yesterday I was trying to stop a migraine before it got bad. It didn't work.

Clutter Control has been barely basics, but I'm intending to do some catching up today as it is a designated "stay home day!"

Spiritually Development has been good. I've read in my book for LBC which I've discovered is about contenment. I've only done one chapter, so right now I'm thinking I need to read more befor I pass judgement. Some of the statements in Chapter 1 were so general and vague that I didn't really agree with them. I look forward to reading more to see how it unfolds. The Beth Moore book is fabulous and very convicting. Last night was the first night that I had to defend my commitment to no evening TV. Of course, I was defending it to a 5 year old so it was pretty simple. I just told her that it was time to turn it off and then when we got home from church I simply said no. She didn't much like that part, but she got over it when I called her Graggie and let her talk on the phone and then let her stay up late looking at/reading herlibrary books so she could see her Daddy when he got home. It is amazing to me the difference in the feel of the house when the tube is off. Much more peaceful!

I better run, Vivie is calling for her breakfast. Actually she's saying "Huuuwaaaaa. Hmmmmmmmmm. Ma ma. Huuuuuuuuuuuuh." But that really means she wants some breakfast.

Denise Rocks!

2007-06-12T08:04:00.002-05:00

I must have looked really bad at church Sunday because I had friends offer to provide lunch and dinner for me on Monday. I am truly blessed by good friends and am happy to report that Easy will be home tonight and I don't think he'll be gone overnight again until sometime in July.

Consumption: Did pretty well here. It's always hard for me when Easy is gone. Lonliness is definitely a trigger for bad eating habits for me. Had some egg scrambled with veggies for breakfast. 1 XS, 2 cups decaf, 24oz water, 1 HEB water. Turkey sandwich & half a banana for lunch. Light cherry yougurt for snack. Then Deinse brought us dinner - she is amazing. In an effort to help me in my remodeling plans she brought me a dinner that fit the bill. She brought me an enormous salad (seriously, I think I ate 1/3 of it for dinner!) that had all the good stuff - carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, chickpeas, avocado, almonds, and the list goes on. She packed some chopped chicken (I think it was rotiserrie - yummy), extra carrots & cucumbers for the kids, some plain pasta (Paris is anti-sauce), sliced up cantalaupe (sp?) and strawberries, two light dressing options, drinks for the kids and even put in diet citrus Green Tea for me to drink! She even made these YUMMY little desserts with sugar free jello, strawberries, and light cool whip. It was a healthy feast enjoy by everyone in my house and we have left overs for lunch today. Denise - YOU ROCK!!

Exercise: 5 laps at Tanglewood Park.

Clutter Control: Just the basics today - laundry and kitchen.

Spiritual Development: Quiet time was in Psalms again. Today the study guide prompted many questions about doubt and how Satan has used it to wreak havoc in my life. He always uses it to have me doubt that God's promises actually apply to me. Then I read chapter 3 in the Beth Moore book. Holy cow. In this chapter she challenges you to spend time in prayer and let God help you determine a time period to focus on doing the following things: Raise your sheild of faith (and she gives you a physical way to do this so that you really engage you mind and spirit - it gives me goosebumps when I do it!), sanctify yourself (pray and ask God to show you what He'd like you to remove from your life), and record Godstops (times when you clearly see God's presence in a situation. I did as the book challenges and here's what God gave me - no evening TV. Turn the TV off at 6:00 pm for the night everynight. Time frame - starting Tuesday and continuing until my new gig (which I'm not quite at libertly to discuss in detail yet) starts - should be September 1. She recommends tying a blue cord of some kind around your right wrist to serve as your reminder, so if you see me wearing a blue bracelet on my right wrist you'll know what it means. It was a powerful chapter and one that literally prompted me to pray in a way I rarely do - so totally honest and "naked" and willing to do whatever it is He asks of me so that I may truly know Him and feel His presence in my daily life. It was pretty amazing. It truly is amazing what happens when you open yourself and ask the Spirit to lead you. The really amazing thing is that we have that power any and every minute of every day if we will only stop and ask and listen for the answers.

Quick Update

2007-06-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

Thursday and Friday were both good. Consumption remained healthy and only at times of hunger. I exercised both days - Thursday I worked out with my tubing and I walked on Friday. Clutter control was just keeping up around the house. I did have quiet time Thursday morning. Friday I did not - the bag monster got me! I did get to spend some time with one of my best friends in Houston Friday evening and that was a tremendous time of relaxing and boosting of my spirits. (Not that my spirits were low, but it was just a great visit!) We spoke of many of the changes I've been tracking here and it was so good to have support and encouragement as well as be able to share some new knowledge with them. (that book I read is effecting people everywhere I go because I can't stop talking about it!) Anyway, I just wanted to post my basics so you would all know I've been keeping up. This is weekend 2 of Easy being gone all weekend so we're hanging in. I can say that my eating has not been as good today, but I haven't eaten past full. I do ask that you pray for us as we finish this weekend on our own. Easy will be home tomorrow evening, but he will be gone overnight again Monday night. The kids are getting to that "push the limit" point since they haven't had much time with Daddy and we still have a ways to go before they get some quality time. Please pray that I can keep my cool and be a good example to them. (i.e. - not yell and scream and zone on the TV becuase I'm tired and stessed!)

Wednesday Already?

2007-06-07T07:08:00.000-05:00

The week is going fast! Here's how I did:

Consumption: 1 XS, 1 chocolate coconut TAMRB, 24oz water, 1 HEB water, 1 banana, 2 string cheese turkey roll-ups, handful almonds, handful cashews ,1 bowl left over linguinie a la anne. I'm kind of amazed at how not hungry I've been as I've made the effort to serisouly reduce my processed carb intake!

Exercise: 30-minute aerobic video work out. If you'd like a chuckle you should go read my other blog for a more detailed description of this experience. (link is in the sidebar)

Clutter Control: Sheet day!

Spiritual Development: Missed my morning quiet time. I did take time in the afternoon (after exercising & getting a shower - God does multiply your time when you use it for Him!) and read a chapter in Beleiving God. I also bought the book we are using for summer Ladies' Bible Class so i can get the first chapter read before class starts next week. We are using Calm My Anxious Heart by Lina Dillow.

Tuesday

2007-06-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

Consumption: TAMRS (chocolate w/banana & pb), handful of grapes, 2/3 a cup of natural applesauce (vivie would eat it), 2 eggs scrambled w/mushrooms, olives and topped with salsa, 1 XS, 1 HEB water, 1 cup decaf coffee, 2 small helpings linguine a la anne (pasta and ham dish), some tomato-cucumber salad, hanful of cashews

Exercise: Nothing formal. My book I ordered for my xertubes came in so I will put together my plan and start the strength training part of my routine on Thursday.

Clutter Control: just the basics today.

Spiritual Development: Quiet time at 6:40-ish. Psalm 8 I think. Truth be told, it didn't make a lasting impression as I can't even remember at the moment what it was about. Started reading Beleiving God by Beth Moore for this month's book club.

Manic Monday

2007-06-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

Not really manic, but definitely a very full one!!!

Consumption: 1 TAMRS (vanilla with 2 scoops of peanut butter), 2 XS drinks, 24oz (plain) water, 1 HEB water, 2 turkey roll-ups (lunchmeat around string cheese), grilled chicken sammie on whole wheat bread with tomatoes on it and on the side, 2/3 of a peach, 1 handful almonds.

I finished the Healthy for Life (by Dr. Ray Strand) book over the weekend. You can expect to see more fruits and veggies and a lot less processed foods in my reporting!

Exercise: 6 laps at Tanglewood park pushing double stroller with T&V in it.

I also purchased to work out videos today so that on Wednesday afternoons I can do a cardio work out. This will give me 3 cardio days and 2 strength training days a week. Anything on the weekend will be bonus!

Clutter Control: Sold a box of books to Half Price Books. Bought bins and got ALL of our DVD's organized. (and put away so the kids will stop playing with them!!) Laundry.

Spiritual Development: Had my quiet time this morning in Psalm 6. It was interesting. The devotional prompted you to think about tears and crying. Those who are close know that I went a very long time with out crying. I was so stressed during my pregnancy with Viv and then trying to get moved into the house that I just sort of shut off. I didn't cry more than 2 tears for close to a year I think. Then I found out a friend had cancer and I lost it. I'm easing back into my "natural" crying. Reading this Psalm reminded me that God made us with tear ducts and they aren't there just to flush out our eyeballs when they have junk in them. He gave us emotions. He wants us to to cry out to Him and give Him a chance to wipe away our tears. I did that on Thursday. I went in to peep at Tripper before I went to bed and it felt like the whole world fell on my head. I'll have to explain more later, but I was just overwhelmed suddenly with my love for him and my desire for his future to be amazing, and filled with joy, and...normal. That night as I lay in bed I prayed that God would take care of my son, but I also prayed that He would take away my fear. I found immediate releif and drifted into slumber peacfully. God wants us to bring Him our struggles. He has comfort to offer that we can get no where else. I'm glad I'm learning to cry again. Mostly I'm glad that I've finally dicovered the peace of letting God wipe away my tears.

Thursday Report

2007-06-01T07:15:00.000-05:00

Consumption: 2 cups French Vanilla coffee, Chocolate TAMRS with banana and natural pb, 1/2 HEB water, 1 snuggle w/turkey, a pickle spear, and cream cheese, 1 100 calorie granola snack bar, a handful of southwet ranch Ritz chips, 1 brisket sammie and a helping of broccoli carrot casserole, and sadly - a large fry and bottled DP from McDonald's.

I started reading a book yesterday that is really shedding some light on my eating habits and the current state of my body. It's called Healthy for Life by Dr. Strand. I read nearly 100 pages yesterday because it rang so true to me. He talks a lot about the glycemic-index and how high glycemic foods truly create a physical addiction not undifferent than one to drugs. I'm sure I will finish the book over the weekend since Easy is out of town. I think I will pass it to my mom when I'm done. She and I eat very similarly and I think that it could really help her see what I've already learned. Basically - this is a hard battle to fight and our culture (though seemingly obsessed with young thin beauty) helps create a carb addiction that results in the need to fight our own body chemistry to get healthy. Good news is, I'm ready to fight!

Exercise: Nothing formal today. I worked at the church doing some babysitting this morning and let me say - man, was that a work out! Stephanie and I had 12 kids to watch and we were serisouly pooped when it was done. (Thus, the pooe choice of fries and soda mentioned above!)

Clutter Control: I got Tripp's room all cleaned up and organized!! This was a major undertaking. It looks so nice now and I think all the kids can play in a much more productive way. I truly beleive chaos breeds chaos so starting the day with a nice neat house will result in more peace in my book!

Spiritual Development: My quiet time was in Luke this morning. Nothing truly dramatic hit me except that I need to tend to what I have. I'm learning that it's a fine line we tread. I know God puts dreams in our hearts to stretch us and increase our faith so we can in turn increase His Kingdom. I also know that if we don't tend to what we already have that we can't be stretched into something more. Ultimately I suppose the lesson is one I've know all along and just forget - a lot. My focus shouldn't be on any of these "earthly" things anyway. It doesn't matter if I'm focusing on what I have or what I want. My focus should be on God - the rest will fall into place when He has my heart and mind.

Wonderful Wednesday

2007-05-31T07:15:00.000-05:00

Consumption: 1 Chocalate Cerry TAMRB, 1 HEB water, 2 cups French Vanilla coffee, 1 Dr. Pepper (late in the day after fighting a headache all day), 2 chicken salad snuggles (if you don't know what a snuggle is, go read my other blog!), 1 "healthy" peanut butter cookie, small bowl leftover chicken casserole and small serving leftover broccoli-carrot casserole, small fry frm Mc Donald's (with the DP - when nothing else is working, salt and caffeine usualy help the headache)

Exercise: WooHoo!!! Walked 6 laps at Tanglewood park while pushing the double stroller with T&V in it. Paris rode her bike - she may be sore today. I'm not sure how long the trail is, but I think it's about a half mile. That means I covered 3 miles with intentional exercise today! (and so did Paris!) It felt great and I woke up today (Thursday) with more energy than I've had in quite a while!

Clutter Control: The usual laundry and kitchen keep-up. Sorted through toys in living room to remove the ones that belong in a bedroom as well as pull some out to take to the re-sale shop. I got Paris' room cleaned and organized last week and I plan to hit Tripp's this week!

Spiritual Development: This would be where I slipped. After talking to Irene at our usual time I hit my snooze button and woke up when Vivie started crying at nearly 7:30. I did have some "alone time" while the kids were resting this afternoon, but I talked on the phone and vegged out in front of the TV nursing my headache instead of grabbing my Bible and having some quiet time. In the words of my wise nearly 5 year old daughter - "I think I made a poor choice."

Quick Catch Up

2007-05-30T07:53:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been almost a week so I thought I'd better catch up! We went to my Nana's for the holiday weekend. That resulted in way too much Dr. Pepper consumption. I'm going to have to start taking my own drinks I think when I go. We are out of XS so that's part of the problem. Anyway....too much soda and Nana food left me bloated and feeling like I could go days with out eating. I'm glad to be back home and returning my body to it's more normal state. It was a very relaxing trip though. Mom and I even went and got pedicures!

I'm meeting friends this morning to walk. I also went digging in the "attic" and found my xertubes yesterday. I got online and ordered the book that has all the exercises so it should be here soon. (I used to have a video, but we don't have a vcr anymore and they don't make it on DVD) So, I'll be able to add in some exercise on the days I'm not walking.

My book club met Monday night. It was an emotional evening. We had read Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge. There were some things in the book that we all disagreed with and some concepts we didn't really connect to. There were also many things that really hit us deeply about who we are as women, God's creation, His reflection, His daughters. It was a good night and I feel more comfortable in my skin as a result of some of the things I read and we discussed. We will be reading Beth Moore's Beleiving God next and meeting the first Monday in July. I look forward to getting started. I've realized that I've always believed IN God, but beleiving what He says is a different story. I often fall prey to Satan's ploy that God's promises simply don't apply to me. Surely, he couldn't want to use me, or bless me if He really knows me and all I've done. Right? Satan is a tricky dude and I'm ready to silence those "thoughts" and move on to a closer relationship with God.

Wednesday

2007-05-24T09:55:00.001-05:00

Not much time to post, so I'll make this fast.........

Consumption: Did great until after the kids were in bed. Easy wasn't home yet and I totally binged on cookies. It was so clearly an emotional binge too - why don't I see that before I do it? Anyway, the cookies are all gone so it won't be an option again.

Exercise: Didn't actually do any, but I did meet with my girlfriends and we set up a walking and accountability schedule for the summer.

Clutter Control: Nothing major - just keeping up with laundry and dishes.

Spiritual Development: Spent my morning quiet time in prayer over some issues that havebeen weighing on me. I felt much lighter when I was done and it helped my morning go very smoothly. It's always amazing to me how you can feel physically lighter after unloading your "burdens" to God.

Tuesday

2007-05-23T07:09:00.000-05:00

Consumption: Started the day with a TAMRS (chocolate w/ banana & peanut butter), had a bacon & tomato sammie for lunch with a handful of Cheetoes, half a bowl of beef stew casserole for dinner (new recipe - probably won't make it again), 3 lemon cookies and a half plate of nachos (just cheese on chips) because I was hungry from not eating all the stew stuff at dinner. Drank 1 HEB water and 1 Dr. Pepper.

Exercise: None.

Clutter Control: Did some laundry, kept the kitchen caught up,, and got all the wood floors swept. I would've gotten them mopped, but I played with Paris someduring rest time, and we took Tripp for a haircut late in the afternoon.

Spiritual Development: Continued reading Captivating. It really is very good. I am begnning to understand more how some of my "issues" are clearly attacks by Satan. I am looking forward to continuing the book and to Monday evening when we discuss it. Easy and I are also reading a book called Sheet Music. It's about sexual intimacy in marriage, written by Dr. Leman. We haven't even gotten through the first chapter (he's been reading it aloud to me at night) and I already know it will be a book that changes some things for us. The very first time I brought easy to church with me when we were dating Foree preached about sex. The gist of the sermon was that within the structure marriage it is not only important but essential and that it should NEVER fall to the wayside. At the time I was mortified (seriously, his first visit to my church and the preacher kept saying sex?!?!), but it was a great lesson that is being revisited by us now in this book. Due to the very persoanl nature of this book I doubt I will post much about it, but it is another way that I will be learning about God's design for my life so I thought it was worth mentioning.

Monday

2007-05-22T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it was a not too bad day for a reset.

Consumption: I did pretty well here. I onlya te when I actually felt physical hunger. I did eat past full at dinner though. Easy & I ate at LaMadeleine's. Stopping at full when eating out is still a challenge for me. Pluse they were gving away free samples of a new pastry they are going to start selling on Tuesday.

Exercise: Nothing formal, but I did quite a bit of moving around. I spent 2 hours in the morning organizing the church nursery with a friend and when I got home I did some cleaning. Much less sitting than my "normal" day.

Clutter Control: Got caught up on dishes. This took two loads in the dishwasher and a big bunch of hand washing. Got caught up on washing towels. Cleaned all three bathrooms minus floors and showers. Floors will get done today. My bathroom took a while because it had gotten VERY cluttered. Everything is back in it's place now and the room looks twice as large!

Spiritual Development: I'm using all my quiet moments to finish the book I'm reading for book club. I left it at my folk's house for a week so I'm a little behind. I'm reading Captivating. I've read most of it before and I am amazed at hoe differently it is speaking to me this time. More on that later. (Vivie is crying for breakfast - I gotta go!)

Reset!!

2007-05-21T07:03:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid and not doing well at the video game I might be playing I would very simply hit the reset button and start over. There were some games that I reset on A LOT! I think this is kind of like that. Last week was challenging. We wound up loosing all 4 kittens. The kids wrapped up their pre-school year and Paris graduated. She is officially done at Sonshine School and "ready" to start kindergarten. I took Viv to the doctor and she on ANOTHER round of antibiotics. I'm really getting frustrated with that. There were good things too. Easy took me to Christopher's for my birthday on Friday. I go to spend some time with my folks as we looked at possible places for Nana to live her locally. It was just really busy. This week promises to be just as busy schedule wise. I thought about just waiting and hitting reset after the Memorial Day weekend (which I'll be spending at Nana's house!), but I think it's silly to wait. One of the things I know I need to work on is maintaining a healthy lifestyle in the midst of stress and hectic schedules. So, I hit reset today. Check back late tonight (or in the morning) to see how the day went.

How Goes It?

2007-05-16T07:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it goes. Things have been a little crazy as of late. Consumption has been mediocre. I spent some time at my mom and dad's and that's never good fo rmy eating habits. It's like since I'm not in my normal "busy" life I get bored and find myself snacking way more than I need to. Exercise hasn't been at all since I last posted. We did our big cook on Saturday so I was on my feet working all day - that must count for something. I'm looking forward to settling into a new routine that include exercise next week when school is out. (Tomorrow is the last day!) Clutter control has been mostly keeping up. As I mentioned we did our big cook on Saturday so I have dinner for the next 3 months in the freezer ready to go. This time I even planned appropriate side dishes so my weekly grocery shopping will be easier and we can start including more veggies in our diet. All that being said, let me tell you about yesterday................

Here's what I was suppoesd to do:

Drop kids at school at 9:00. Meet friend at the mall to walk and then make our gameplan for a summer of fun, keeping our sanity, and loosing a few pound along the way. Go home for lunch and make grocery list. Pick kids up at 1:30 and take to a friends house. Get hair cut at 2:30. Go to the grocery store. Pick up kids. Get a shower and shower the kids (usually done simultaneously). Feed kids and leave them with a sitter to attend a meeting for our business.

Here's what actually happened:

Go to load kids in the car for school and see what I think is a dead kitten in my driveway. (our garage cat was expecting) Drop kids at school. Tell friends I'll be there as soon as I can. Come home to give laboring cat some water and a clean box to finish having kittens. Discover that Rufus (the cat) doesn't know how to be a mommy and wind up spending the entire morning tending to her kittens. (cancelled plans with friends) The one in the driveway wasn't dead, just abandoned. I had to rub them all down and tear away their placentas and then hold the cat in the box so they could nurse. I saw her through #2 and #3 and then I had to go tend to my busy afternoon. I prayed there wern't any more kitten coming since she just ignored them when she had them. As I pulled into the church parking lot my serpentine belt frayed and started peeling. Foree (our preacher) helped me trim it. I arranged with my friend Kara to help me get it to the shop. Cancelled hair appointment (for the 3rd time). Wound up spending all afternoon at Kara's with the kids while we waited for the belt to get replaced. Finally got the burb back, picked up Easy's dry cleaning and got home with just enough time to take a shower and make the meeting with Easy. Discovered Rufus had #4. Took care of the kitten and made Rufus get in the box and nurse them some. Put dinner in oven. Discovered the baby had 101.2 temp. Cancelled the sitter. Ate dinner. Put kids to be early - except Vivie who didn't go to sleep until 9:30. Checked on cat - made her get in box and nurse the kittens again. Vegged until Easy got home around midnight.

This is the kind of day that could have sent me clear over the edge. And trust me, I was a little stressed out. But, I didn't loose it. I didn't even cry. I laughed with my mom about what I was having to do with the kittens. I spent some good quality time with my friend Kara who got to see Tripp in his happy funny manic state - she laughed a lot! At the end of the day I had a suburban that works, a family that was fed and safely tucked into bed, and four new kittens that were all alive and holding their own (Driveway, Stroller, Quilt, & Last are the temporary names.) God was clearly present in my day, keeping me sane, giving me the courage to tend to kittens even though I was grossed out, giving me peace when my burb broke down, blessing me with a good friend like Kara, and showing me that whatever my plans are for a day - He's got His own and He will see me through it.

Thank you Lord for being so present in my life. I know that at some point I will look back and see that yesterday was one of the days when the only footprints in the sand are yours. Thanks for the lift. Now, can today be a little easier?

Some Thoughts

2007-05-11T07:15:00.000-05:00

Consumption: Has been going pretty well. I've be hydrating better and waiting for hunger. We still have some cookies in the house so I've had some "sweets," but I haven't overdone it by any means. I feel good about this area this week.

Exercise: Walked at the mall with Kara yesterday. I also began making plans with Kara, Erika, & Stephanie about how we are going to handle the summer and keep our sanity while making time to get healthy. I think the support of these friends is gong to go a long way in the remodeling efforts.

Clutter Control: I'm in the process of catching up on laundry. I'm still behind from everyone being sick. If only we could just not make dirty clothes for a day or two..........I've also been preparing for our Big Cook tomorrow. I've got my meal calendar done and my grocery list almost done. I'll be doing the bid shop late this evening and then we will cook all day tomorrow. This time I even planned side dishes ahead so that we will have more veggies in our diet!

Spiritual Development: I've been dong much better in this area this week. Being sick really threw a wrench in my daily morning time, so I'm happy to be getting my habit back. I'm still reading in Luke in the mornings and a few things jumped out at me in the last few days.

First, in Chapter 16:19-31 there is the story of the Rich Man and Lazarus. I'm honestly not sure I've ever noticed this passage before. What struck me was what it says about the dynamics of our life after our physical bodies are gone. The rich man is being tortured in hell and looks up to see Abraham and Lazarus....and then he has a conversation with them! It never really occurred to me that those in heaven and hell would be able to see each other, much less have a chat. In the conversation, Abraham goes on to explain that we have all we need here in our lives to find faith - we just need to listen and believe. If we can't listen to what God is already saying, chances are we won't listen to a risen dead man (Lazarus in this story). Interesting.

This morning I read Luke 17 and the first part of 18. 17:10 says "So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say,'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" (NIV) This stood out to me because I have been struggling a great deal with a sense of unworthiness as of late. I started reading Captivating this week for book club and the first few chapters have already spoken to me a lot on this issue. I think what I am beginning to realize is that I must embrace my humanity and that I alone will never be worthy. God is my father and just like I love my children regardless of what they have done on any given day, He loves me. I also have begun to see that God made me, a woman, with this innate struggle. We feel a desire to be pursued (just like God desires for us to pursue Him!), and when I do not feel pursued or desired in my life then I begin to feel there must be something wrong not with what I'm doing, but with who I am. The beauty here is that God pursues me daily! I am always loved and pursued. Now I just have to figure out how to allow God's romance of me to fill me up and not get so focused on wanting things/people on this earth to validate my worthiness. I do believe that God set up marriage to mirror His relationship with His church and thus we should be pursued, desired, and romanced by our husbands, I just don't think we should define ourselves and our self-worth based on that alone. Our husbands are, after all, merely human and they will fall down on the job at some point. God's love and pursuit of us will sustain us - we just have to let Him provide. Sounds good in theory, I'm just struggling in the application.

Tuesday

2007-05-09T07:33:00.000-05:00

Consumption: 1 Cherry Blast XS, 1 100 calorie pack nutter butter granola bar, 1 Peach HEB water, 2 bean & cheese HEB breakfast burritos, Chicken sandwich and pasta salad, 1 XS sugar-free sport drink, 2 Dulce de Leche cookies (the last two so now they won't be tempting me!)

Exercise: Does mopping the floors count?

Clutter Control: 1 load of dishes and a bunch of handwashing, 1 load of laundry, swept and mopped dining room, kitchen, breakfast room and ducky bath

Spiritual Development: Fell asleep during my quiet time while praying. I may have to start praying out loud. That always feels silly to me, but as my good friend Lara pointed out in her blog, SPEAKING things is a whole different ballgame than just thinking them.

This is the Saddle...........

2007-05-07T09:31:00.000-05:00

.........and this is me getting back in it. It was one rough week around here. We had a sick mommy, sick kids, scorpion stings, and a camping trip to prepare for that ended up being a Daddy-Daughter trip. Even though it was disappointing to not go on the church family camp-out, I know Easy & Paris had a blast and the little ones and I had a very quiet and relaxing weekend. Today, however I must continue my disinfecting efforts that began yesterday. All the bedding is done, but there are still A LOT of toys to be cleaned and sprayed with Clorox Anywhere Spray. I have a doctor apointment for Tripp late this morning to discuss what I think are allergies and hopefully get some relief for his little red eyes and snotty nose. I'll also be talking to the doctor some about his "quirky" behaviors and see what his opinion is. So, that's what's been going on in a nutshell.

As far as my remodel goes.....I'm back in the saddle. I have to date a net weight loss of 1/2 lb. Not exactly what I was hoping for a month in. However, I have had some major breakthroughs in my thinking and spiritual development journey so I'm not complaining. I know that the food and exercise are something I must submit to doing and that I won't see any changes in the physical until that happens. So, I'm ready to saddle up and get moving again. Back to the basics we go................

Whispers in My Ear

2007-05-02T17:11:00.000-05:00

Things have been going well. I do intend to return to daily posting, but I will be honest and say that it may not happen until the kids are done with pre-school. (mid May) So for now I'll just keep posting when I can.

Eating has been pretty OK. I'm waiting for hunger and I'm not eating near the quantity I was before, but my choices still aren't the healthiest. I'll be working on that.

Exercise continues to be a challenge. I walked on Tuesday at the mall. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to make exercise a part of my DAILY life. I have a plan for including walking during the summer, but it's not something that I'll be ablt to continue in the fall. Of course, my whole world may change in the fall if I start working some so maybe I should just focus on what I can do now and worry about changing it when I have to.

Clutter control has slacked off due to the sinus yuck I've had. It started last Wednesday and is running a long course in me. I'm barely keeping up with neccesities right now.

Big things have been happening in the spiritual realm though. I went to the Ladies' Retreat and boy did I get touched! On Friday night we went through an exercise that really made me weak in the knees. We split into to groups and my group's instructions were to just stand there with our eyes closed. Next thing I know someone whispers in my ear that they appreciate what I do for the kids on Wednesday mornings at church. The third whisper I got was that I am a good mom. It was the one in the middle though that I know was meant to change how I think. Someone whispered in my ear, "God needs your help." It wasn't "Hey, God's working on this project and if you want to help that would be cool" or "God needs help, do you know anyone good enough?" Instead it was very clear - God needs MY help. I still haven't a clue what all God will need my help with, but I'm standing ready with a listening ear and open heart. Later in the weekend I was in a break out session on prayer and we naturally spent some time alone praying. I was praying about a relationship in my life that is weighing heavily on me. The answer I got was again very clear..."Quit praying FOR her and go pray WITH her." I plan to do so.

We also had our first book club meeting over the Sheila Walsh book. It was great. A good mix of backgrounds and world views. No judgement. Total acceptance and even some loving pushing and stretching. There is something powerful about four women who love God sitting down and being totally honest with each other. We are reading Captivating by John & Stasi Elderidge now. It's sort of the coutnerpart to Wild at Heart. I'm looking forward to it as we all expressed some level of struggle with who we are as try to be the wife, mom, friend, servant, leader, etc...that God wants us to be. I'm sure I'll have more to say on that as I read through the book.

God is so Good

2007-04-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

First, let me say thank you for all your prayers and support. I am much better today than in my last post. We lost our Internet service when the big storm came through Tuesday night and just got it back yesterday. So, I haven't been wallering (you know, like a pig wallers in the mud?) around in defeat all week, I've just been unplugged.

Eating has been OK. Not my best few days, but most certainly not my worst. It is clear, however, that my emotions weigh far to heavily in my food choices. Seriously, when you have a day like I did on Tuesday, who wants grilled chicken and salad? Not me! I actually even ate a bowl of ice cream last night. I convinced myself it was to soothe my scratchy throat. Oh the lies I tell myself!

Exercise hasn't been at all. Between doctor appointments and trying to maintain sanity it just hasn't happened. I think I am lacking more in this area than in others right now and I know self-discipline is what is needed. Good thing self-control is part of the Fruit of the Spirit!

Clutter Control has consisted of not returning to the chaos that preceded Viv's party and keeping up with laundry. Today I have to de-clutter my suburban so I can pick up some friends for the ladies' retreat. (I'll be gone tonight and tomorrow)

Spiritual Development.....as always, God is so good. Although Satan tried hard to take advantage of my down spirits on Tuesday, God worked through some friends to help pull me up so I'm at least doggy-paddling again! A special thank you to Kara who reminded me that God made Tripp exactly the way he is so there is clearly nothing "wrong" with him. She also reminded me that on my knees is where I will find the answers I'm searching for. Another thank you to my mom who was able to help me make sense of the MANY quirky thing Tripp does enough to at least help me put together a more coherent list of "concerns" to go talk to the doctor about. (In case you are wondering, this goes beyond just the poop thing. Tripp has other "habits" that can be a little concerning when in context with all his other behaviors) And lastly, another thank you to Irene for talking to me like the intelligent person I know I am (not the helpless lump I felt like on Tuesday) and reminding me that I take good care of my children and I am not going to "screw up" (my words, not hers) my son.

On top of all that, God did some more work on me. I can only imagine that He must have thought, "Since I have you here on your knees regarding your son, let's go ahead and work on this other issue you are having." Perhaps even thinking He better hit me while He had my attention, since it could be a while before I humbled myself and admitted my total dependence on him again. So, he took me to Luke 15. The Prodigal Son. It was the passage in my quiet time yesterday, and then when I read in my Sheila Walsh book she focused on the same passage! What I learned was that even though I started my journey home several years ago, and even though God ran to me and carried my all the way home, I've been stopping the party. My refusal to let go of sins and mistakes and stinkin' thinkin' regarding forgiveness and worthiness has delayed a celebration. So, today, I say get the party started! I realized that God forgave me so long ago that holding on has only kept me from participating in the party of my life. I've got my dancin' shoes on now though and I'm ready to be free. I know I'll probably get some blisters on my feet along the way, but it's time to stop putting God in a box and let Him have the celebration He wants to. A celebration that I am worthy of because of the blood of Christ. He has washed me cleaned and clothed my in a pure white wedding gown. I am humbled and grateful and baffled and a wee bit excited. The only thing that makes a party better is friends, so I hope some of you can join me as I learn to embrace the celebration I never thought I deserved.

And one last blessing before I go. I had to put my suburban in the shop thinking it was going to be a HUGE bill when it was all better. In reality it was less than $200. God blesses in the details and I'm starting to see it's all part of the celebration. I'll be gone to the retreat so I won't post until Sunday. Have a great weekend!

Defeated

2007-04-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

That's how I feel today. It was a really rough night. Viv didn't settle into sleep until nearly 2:00 this morning. She woke up with an ear and eye infection. I didn't go walk because I took her to the doctor for her well-check that turned into a "sick appointment." This afternoon Tripp played with his poop again. Paris is apparently incapable of speaking in any way other than a crying whine. I haven't had a shower. We have people coming to our house at 8:00 for a meeting. I have no plan for dinner.

Consumption: Has been so-so. We've had party food left-overs in the house so I've been eating on that. Not the healthiest, but I have been waiting on hunger.

Exercise: Went for a family walk on Sunday.

Clutter Control: Easy and I got things pretty cleaned up for Viv's party on Saturday. I'm managing to keep up fairly well in the kitchen. It's nice to see my countertops for a change!

Spiritual Development: Still reading through Luke in my morning quiet time. I did spend some time in my Sheila Walsh book yesterday while the kids were playing outside. It was nice to sit on the back porch and enjoy some of God's creation. Tripp particularly like the mud (which resembles poop, maybe there's a connection).

Please pray for me that I can keep my head above the water. Most of the time I feel like I'm just treading water, but in the last few weeks I've actually made some forward strokes. Today I feel like all that's sticking out is my nose and it's getting splashed. I know I should probably relax. All this thrashing about will only attract sharks. I know if I relax that God will not only keep me afloat, he can lift me right up. Pray that I remember that in the hard moments.

Cath Up (sort of)

2007-04-21T07:29:00.000-05:00

I realized this morning that I haven't posted in several days. Something occurred to me as I was fussing at myself for not doing so. It seems that each day I do well in one or two (three and a really good day) areas and sort of not so good in the others. I'm wondering if that's OK. IS it possible for me to do well in ALL areas in one day. I know the answer is yes if I'm pulling from the source of power that dwells in me. Maybe I just haven't figured out yet how to be dependent on Him. I tend to take over and do things myself. Anyway here's how I've been doing:

Consumption: The eating has been pretty good. I'm remembering now how frequently I eat little bits if I'm truly waiting for hunger and stopping at full. I had two days that I felt like I ate ALL day and was shocked the next morning to wake up and have a full-on tummy growl before 9:00 am! Hydration has been pitiful. I've had a scratchy throat (sinus yuck) so it doesn't feel good to drink much. I can tell however that it's effecting me because my rings are tight. It always amazes me how quickly I can start retaining fluid, and then how quickly I can loose it if I actually hydrate myself well.

Exercise: I walked another 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie on Thursday.

Clutter Control: It's been in spurts. I've done a lot of laundry, taken in some more shorts so they don't fall off my children. I cleaned out some of the baby implements from my kitchen to send down to me brother and his wife. (my nephew will be here very soon!!!) I monogrammed some little pouches my friend Erika made for me so I can switch to on BIG tote for the summer and still have the kid's stuff organized. I emptied, cleaned, and refilled the fish tank so Paris can get some new guppies next weekend. I've barely kept up with the kitchen. Oh, and I washed all the car seats - they were gross.

Spiritual Development: I've been in Luke all week. Chapters 10-13 mostly. I've been very convicted about the thinking on material issues deal. It's hard sometime because from a business perspective we are taught over and over to set goals, have a picture of your dream where you can see it, think about what you want to achieve as often as possible. Even in counseling I was taught to help people set goals that are physical, measurable, tangible even. It's hard to put those thoughts together without focusing on material things. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting goal in that manner. If you don't have a measurable goal, how can you tell if you're making progress? I guess the issue I'm having is figuring out how that all goes together with what I'm getting from scripture this week. All that material stuff doesn't matter. What I truly want is to lead a Spirit led life. Ultimately I want to go home and here my Father say "well done good and faithful servant." I know that Gos puts dreams in my heart. I truly believe he was in charge of the house I'm sitting in from day one. I'm just not sure what to do with my thoughts. It's so easy to get preoccupied by the things here on earth that we forget to focus on what's really important - growing the Kingdom of God. It really sounds like I'm bashing the concept of seeking financial growth, and that's not my intent. I'm just trying to figure out how these concepts should for me in my life. What is it exactly God wants me to be doing right now? Hmmm.........I better go, I'm meeting a friend for coffee this morning (all by myself!).

Tuesday

2007-04-18T06:39:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit late getting this posted - had a migraine last night.

Consumption: 1 XS, 1 HEB Water, 2 Dr. Peppers (migraine, remember), 1 Chocolate Cherry TAMRB, Smoked Club on Sourdough (ready-made sammie from HEB), 1 cupcake (at Ms. Jenny's surprise party), 1 pepperoni pizza Lean Pocket, 1 #2 from Jack-in-the-Box

Exercise: 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie

Clutter Control: 1 load dishes

Spiritual Development: Well, I got up when Irene called. Actually having a chat with her each morning is really helping! I got in my chair and started reading through Luke 10 & 11. An hour later I woke up with a crick in my neck. It had been a rough night with Paris getting up and trying to get in our bed more than once so I guess my body wasn't done sleeping. I did finish my quiet time int he afternoon while the kids were resting. Here' what struck me:

Luke 11:9-13 is a passage many of us are familiar with. It is the ask and it will be given, seek and you will find scripture. This is vs 9 & 10. What got me today is verse 13. " If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him." First, let me acknowledge that I am "evil." I sin. Sometimes I sin BIG. Yet, when it comes to my children something kicks in that makes me want only good things for them. In truth I would sacrifice anything for the good of my children. God made the ultimate sacrifice by offering His son for the good of all His children. I can't even imagine that. His love is simply not comprehensible to me.

The end of this verse is something I never picked up on before. I always knew the "ask and it shall be given part," but the end of 13 is very specific about what is being given. This isn't an "ask for a new car an it will be in your driveway" kind of deal. What Jesus is telling us is that the best gift God can give us is the Holy Spirit. Having grown up in a church that just didn't talk about the Spirit much, I see why I never really picked up on this. This really change show I should approach God though. I'm not really in the habit of asking God for material things, but some people are. In truth there is an entire group of Christians that would say we are supposed to ask God for any and everything we want. They take "ask and it shall..." and run with it. I think Verse 13 is the most important here. We should be asking daily that God fill us with the Holy Spirit so that it can guide us each day. Blessing will flow from that, both for us and for the people we interact with. I do believe some of those blessing will be material because God communicates with us where we are, and the truth is sometimes we need a physical answer to remind us He is there. In reality, however, it is the gift of the Holy Spirit that leads to any physical blessing. My prayer for myself and each of you today is that we remember what to ask for and have confidence knowing that God's Spirit will never lead us astray. In fact, it will lead us down the path of righteousness straight to heaven.

Monday, Monday

2007-04-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

Consumption: 1 Cherry Blast XS, 1 HEB water, 2 cashews (I know that's random, but when Paris find one in the nut bowl she brings it to me), 1 slice of cheese, 4 Thai style Shrimp Spring Rolls, 1 Slim-a-Bear (Klondike) no sugar added ice cream sandwich, 1 turkey sandwich, a bite of cheese from Paris' plate because she said it tasted funny - it did not, and (here's the not so great part) 1/2 pint of Blue Bell Banana Pudding ice cream

Exercise: none

Clutter Control: 1 load of dishes, 2.5 loads of laundry (they're still in process), picked up all the dirty clothes from my bathroom and bedroom floor and sorted them into appropriate baskets (been needing to do that for some time, it was bad), boiled and shredded 5 lbs of boneless, skinless chicken breast and packed it in ~1 lb baggies in the freezer for future use

Spiritual Development: Had quiet time this morning at 6:15. My new rule is that I must actually TALK to Irene when she calls so that I don't treat her like my alarm clock (which I ignore on a regular basis!). I was in Luke 10 today. What I need to write about today didn't come from that quiet time though.

Saturday was a major day for me. First, Easy and I went out Friday night and had a wonderful time of conversation and relaxation (and a little exercise, but you probably don't want those details!). We talked about some of what I'm struggling with in this journey. It was great and I was able to express how I just don't know how to turn loose of some things. Saturday on the way down to my mom & dad's God released me of some things I hadn't forgiven myself for. He sent me a song via KSBJ that brought me to tears. I was glad Paris wasn't in the car asking questions. I'm horrible at knowing who sings what, but the chorus goes like this:

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believing is enough
My sins are gone
They're all erased
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

And just like that I was released from some baggage. I cried and prayed a lot on the way down to Baytown. It was pretty amazing. Tripp and Viv just hung out completely oblivious to what God was doing in our messy suburban. Then I went to a seminar for our Internet business and was really affirmed that we are on the path we are supposed to take with that. It was a day to mark in the calendar. I was left with a new sense of peace and some excitement about taking the journey itself and not just where I'll end up.

Father, thank you for taking a ride in the big green suburban with me this weekend. Help me remember that you aren't just a passenger in my life, but that you are the driver and your directions are never wrong.

Form Break

2007-04-13T18:16:00.000-05:00

Today's post is a break in form. I'm posting now because I have a date with my husband tonight and I don't want to interrupt our evening by coming to the computer to blog later. Today has been a true day of rest for me. Paris left yesterday evening with my mom to spend some time with her Graggie & Dadoo all by herself. This morning, my babies and I slept in. Tripp (who I should probably stop calling a baby since he's 2 1/2!) didn't get up until after 8:00! V got up about 7:30 and I let her hang out in her playpen with her milk with cartoons on while I continued snoozing on the couch. The morning passed slowly, but it was fun. I had a shower and played with my kids. We played peek-a-boo, cars, tickle war, and crawl down the hall with Vivie. The afternoon was very quiet. After V went down for her nap I snuggled with Tripp on the couch until he went to sleep and then I just relaxed. Tonight I have a date with my husband. We're going out to eat and I don't know what else. Our sitter almost canceled due to a bad headache, but I must have sounded pretty sad because she called back and we made a deal. No baths, early bedtimes, dinner already done, and I'll have them in jammies before we leave. God is good. I was nearly in tears at the thought of not going out with my hot hubby. It just seems like the perfect way to cap off what has been a day or rejuvenating rest and fun. I have missed my big princess though. We've talked on the phone 4 times today I think. She's so grown up. I knew I needed the break, but man do I miss her!!! I'll be headed to my mom's tomorrow, so I probably won't post again until Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Two-fer

2007-04-12T18:08:00.000-05:00

This is a two-fer post, as in two-fer-one. Actually, the truth is this:

Confession: I didn't post last night because I was very disappointed in myself yesterday. I ate poorly, and too much, I didn't get up for my morning quiet time (still had a headache), but I did read two chapters in my book. Ironically what hit me the most yesterday was this whole chapter on shame and how not good it is if we don't let it go - and then I was too ashamed of myself to post! No clutter control, no exercise, no nothin'. So, there you go, that's yesterday.

On to today.......

Consumption: 1 vanilla TAMRS w/banana & frozen cherries, 1 cran-grape blast XS, 1 HEB water, about 20 oz "plain" water, Wings N More for lunch (chicken tenders basket - ate all the chicken, most of the garlic toast, and a few fries), McDonald's Big n Tasty burger and a medium fry (I'm aware that is horrible for me, but I was tired and I really wanted a burger and I am out of the frozen HEB burgers I usually keep in the fridge.)

Exercise: Walked 3 (I think) laps at the mall with my friend Kara!

Clutter Control: not so much

Spiritual Development: Slept right through the alarms and my morning call from Irene today. I'm really struggling with that. At 6:00 I was awake, but I knew I didn't "have" to get up until 6:30 at the latest so I just laid there and then I fell so sound asleep that I overslept until 7:45!!! I couldn't believe my kids slept that late! I feel like I am having a hard time shifting my natural body clock to the earlier to bed, early to rise approach I'm aiming for. Pray for me about that. I know that if would just get up the first time I find myself awake (6:00 today) I would be just fine, it's that little voice saying, "Come on, you can get 30 more minutes (or 5 or 10) and still get it all in" that is winning at the moment. That voice needs to loose.

Late

2007-04-11T07:55:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't get this up last night, I've been fighting a lot of headaches, or possibly just one that won't really go away. Anyway, I was hurting' last night so I just went to bed.

Consumption: 1 Tropical Blast XS, 1 HEB water, 1 milk chocolate TAMRS w/peanut butter & banana, 1 turkey sandwich, handful sour cream & onion chips, 2 peanut butter cookies, 1 bowl pasta with chicken Alfredo, 1 cashew (Paris found it in the bowl of mixed nuts and gave it to me - she knows they're my favorite!), 1 blueberry mini-muffin, 1 bowl frosted shredded wheat w/ vanilla soy milk

Exercise: no

Clutter Control: cleaned up Paris' room!!!! For those of you who have been here recently you know what a feat that was. It looks like a different place! 1 load of dishes.

Spiritual Development: Quiet time at 6:45 - Psalm 5 (I was finishing this one - I started it Friday and was interrupted by my early rising children). Also read in the two chapters in the Shelia Walsh book during "rest time." Nothing earth shattering today, but this one quote has stuck in my head. "God wants my heart, not my schedule." Another that I thought was good is this, "Self-preservation is not a fruit of the Spirit." Implicit in both of these is the requirement that we be vulnerable before God. To pretend we are anything else is useless to both Him and us.

Mellow Monday

2007-04-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

That's what we had around here. A very mellow, don't leave the house kind of day.

Consumption: 1 Cherry blast XS, 2 cups decaf coffee, 1 HEB water, 2 peanut butter cookies, 1 bowl leftover chicken spaghetti, 1 egg salad sandwich, handful of sour cream & onion chips, XX

Exercise: nope. No real excuse either.

Clutter Control: 4 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, de-tagged (and washed) all the kids new clothes from my shopping trip to the outlets in San Marcos (Hello, everything I bought was 50% off!! I picked a good day to shop!), deodorized/vacuumed Tripp's carpet, sorted toys out of living room (Tripp's to his room, Paris' to hers, etc...), took in 3 pair of Tripp's shorts at the waist (maybe it's not clutter control, but I'm proud of myself for doing this and not paying someone else to do it!)

Spiritual Development: I'm having a challenge with my morning time. My alarm is set for 6:00 & 6:30, and my loyal friend Irene calls at about 6:45 as back up. I think I need to move my phone call up. Vivian is tweaking her schedule. She's been up by 6:50 the last 4 mornings. That means 6:45 isn't early enough for me to get up. So, Irene, when you read this if you want to call earlier, feel free! I'm going to focus on getting up with my alarm and not depending on the call everyday. Today I used my afternoon time to catch up with my girlfriend Dasha on the telephone. We hadn't talked in several days. That's weird for us. I supposed this should have been the confession section today. Tomorrow will be better.

Weekend Recap

2007-04-09T07:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lag in posting. We left Friday to go to Nana's for Easter. Good trip, but I came home still nursing a headache that had been hanging on for days. I wish I could say it's gone, but I still feel it. I'm hoping a day at home in my "normal" habitat will help get rid of it.

Consumption: So, when I go to Nana's I don't do the best when it comes to food & hydration. I drank too many Dr. Peppers. I didn't go overboard on sweets like I usually do, but since I hardly eat any at home it seems like I ate a lot. I did eat past full at two meals (dinner Saturday & lunch Sunday), but as soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped. On the way out of town Friday we stopped and got Sonic. I got a cheese coney meal (yes, the really long hot dog) and was pleased to discover that not only did I not finish the thing, I have no desire to every buy one again. The hot dog was a former favorite of mine and it just tasted plain gross to me. Looks like I've grown up a bit in my food requirements!

Exercise: did not happen - couldn't even take a walk due to bad weather!

Clutter Control: nothing here either. Being out of my own house make sit difficult to clean it up! On Friday I did do a load of sheets and scrubbed a wall - Tripp decided to paint with his poop again. Pray about this issue for us please. He has shown us he can and will go in the potty consistently, but he has been choosing to go during his rest time and then play with it (seriously!) about once a week. Needless to say this is a problem and we could use your prayers as we get through it.

Spiritual Development: Again I had no structured time in this department. I did get up Friday and got through part of my morning study, then the kids got up (early) and derailed my time. I did have sort of a neat thought on Sunday that I'd like to share though. I was getting my shower before we had "house church." (it was too cold and wet to take the kids and Nana out) Now, I will fully admit that showering at Nana's is not my favorite thing. Small shower, big Sarah - not the best combination. However, as I stood there letting the water run down my neck and shoulders it occurred to me that this is how we exist daily. Let me explain........I love at the end of my shower to turn the water just a wee bit hotter and just let it run, releasing any left over tension in my neck and shoulders and just relaxing me a bit. What hit me on Sunday is that we are washed clean by Christ's blood every minute of every day just like that. If we will yield and let Him do the work He began in us, we are made spotless. And just like those muscle aches that seem so deep that I want the water to beat down on until they let go, Christ washes and washes and washes even our deepest rooted sin until we turn it loose and let it flow down the drain. Today I pray for all of us that we can relax in the shower of love offered to us every day by Christ's sacrifice for us. His love is better at relieving tension than any shower on earth.

Bleh

2007-04-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

That would be how I describe today. Bleh. I was not home from about 8:45-2:30 so I lost a chunk of my time at home tending to some errands and getting my haircut.

Confession: Hopefully I won't feel compelled to include this section very often. Or maybe I will - I guess only time will tell. Today I chose to sleep instead of getting up to start the day with my Father. I did have a migraine, but I could have gotten up. I also ate fast food, drank Dr. Pepper and had a piece of candy. Not my best day.

Consumption: 1 Cherry Blast XS, 1 HEB water, 2 medium Dr. Peppers, 1 chocolate coconut TAMRB, Long John Silver's (2 chicken planks, 1 fish plank, & two hush puppies), 2 peanut butter cookies, 1 salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and brown gravy, 1 Reese's chocolate covered peanut butter egg.

Exercise: nope.

Clutter Control: Cleaned/organized Tripp's room. This included taking all the toys that were still in my bathroom from the mass cleaning we had to do after he decided to paint with his own poop on Saturday back to his room. Easy did the dishes, but I cleaned/polished our ceramic stovetop.

Spiritual Development: As mentioned above, I did not get up when Irene called this morning. I did however choocs to use the kids' "reat time" this afternoon to exercise my mind instead of my body. I read 3 chapters in the Sheila Walsh book. I had a bit of an "aha" moment today. In ch. 2 she is talking about the need, rather necessity, to "accept and embrace our humanity." I struggle with this because embracing my humanity is embracing a lot of faults. This leads right into my thoughts while reading ch. 3. I won't go into all the details, but I wound up writing in my little notbeook something like this: maybe that's why I can't seem to accept that God loves me - where I am - right now. I set down my notebook and started reading again - Here is the next sentence I read: "If I had to give my life's message in one sentence, it would be this: as you are, right now, God loves you; and that will never change." Hello!!!!! I know that God loves me and wants to use me just as I am. I also know that He wants me to always seek Him and strive to be more like Christ. Since I live with myself, I am keenly aware of how not-Christ-like I am. I keep reading and Ch. 4 takes us into forgiveness and anger. Bottom line is this, there are things in my life that I haven't forgiven myself for. Things I'm really pretty angry at myself about. Then I put that book down and pick up my quite time guide and read Psalm 4. It deals with..........anger! I think God was serisouly trying to tell me something today. All of this together leaves with the following thought: There is nothing wrong with anger. It's an emotion God gave us. However, if we take that anger and use it to fuel sin, sin like unforgivenss, then that is a problem. So, I'm going to have to let go of somethings. I may need to confess some of them out loud. God already knows them all - I pray about them frequently. He has forgiven me. He loves me because of who He is, not because of who I am or what I do. Now I just have to find a way to let go and move on - I know God has more in store for me than stewing over these things that are to Him, already gone.

Fever Free!

2007-04-04T18:57:00.000-05:00

At least Viv and I are anyway. Tripp hasn't had any since early this morning. Paris is still running one. Please pray that she will drink the fluids I keep giving her. I'm making Popsicles for tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

Consumption: 2 cups decaf coffee, 1 Tropical Blast XS, 2 HEB waters, 1/3 of an XS protein shake - it was strawberries & creme and I added a banana and a swirl of special dark chocolate syrup - don't think I can handle the texture of the protein shake, a little too mylanta for me, 2 of those peanut butter cookies I mentioned yesterday, 4 celery stalks with Lite Laughing Cow Cheese in them, 1 bowl of salad, 1 grilled turkey & cheese sammie + two bites of Tripp's grilled cheese.

Exercise: Pilates on the Ball video!!!! I'm super proud of myself for doing this today. Paris watched a "did" it with me. She couldn't find her Care Bear ball so she just did everything on the floor and used the ottoman for the stuff that was feet on the ball. She was cute. She said I did "just fine." Clearly, I have a ways to go in this area. I did as much as I could. When the cute perky lady on the DVD said "Let's make it more challenging" I just kept doing what I was already doing. I'm not up to challenging yet. Basic challenges me.

Clutter Control: I'm adding this section because I know that the cluttered state of my house contributes to my cluttered mind. Hopefully, this will also help me see where the holes are in my housekeeping. Plus, I'll get to brag when I do something beyond my necessary stuff. (like working on the piece I want to refinish, get another box emptied and out of the house - seriously, we moved close to a year ago!, etc...) Today I did a load of dishes, changed the sheets on all the beds (that's 4!), spackled a whole in Tripp's wall, and did 5 loads of laundry.

Spiritual Development: Quiet Time at 6:45 this morning. I was actually up a little before 6, but that was to tend to poor feverish Tripper. I grabbed the phone and took with me to his room trusting that someone would call. I gave Tripp his Motrin and snuggled up with him in his bed. At 6:45 Irene called and I got my day started right! Today was Psalm 3. Deliverance if from the Lord. It was encouraging me today particularly because as I went to sleep last night I was praying about finding solutions to our current situation. $ is TIGHT. Easy works hard, but he's tired. He's been doing this commuting thing for nearly 2 years now. I worry about him pushing himself too hard. Not sure if I want/need/should work part-time maybe starting in the fall...lots of questions regarding a stressor I know many of you understand. And this morning I was reminded by my Father that He's got my back. I need to cry out to Him, and He will answer. Pray that I will hear.

I am very tired tonight. I hope to hit the sack "early." - That's anytime before 11:00 for me.

On the Road to Health

2007-04-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

Wow, that title could mean a lot of things for me right now...and all of them are true. The fever still lingers and has spread to everyone but Easy in the house. Viv was better today so it apparently lasts about 3-4 days. Tomorrow should be much better.

Consumption: 2 cups decaf coffee, 1 Cherry Blast XS, 2 HEB waters, 1 XS Sugar Free Sport Drink (like Gatorade), turkey sandwich and a handful of sour cream & onion chips (not the healthiest choice, I know), 2 slices homemade spicy garlic chicken pizza, 1 bowl frosted mini-wheats with vanilla soy milk. I forgot these last night so I'm adding it this morning: 4 quarter sized protein packed peanut butter cookies. Seriously, they are made with natural PB, Splenda, and egg, and some vanilla extract. Scrumptious a guilt free!

Exercise: Still not on the radar due to fever and exhaustion.

Spiritual Development: A big THANK YOU to my friend Irene who called at 6:45 this morning!!! We had a seriously rough day and night at our house so when my alarm went of the second time at 6:30 I thought to myself, "If someone calls I'll get up." Then the phone rang 15 minutes later and I did. My quiet time this morning was in Psalm 2. It really took my focus off of myself and the little world in which I live. The study guide I'm using prompted me to pray for the leaders of the world. I did that and in doing so was reminded that even though this fever virus has been unpleasant, there is a MUCH bigger picture to look at. Then, when my kids got up I was actually ready to have a better day instead of being in constant reaction mode like I would have been had I stayed in bed sleeping. Thank you again Irene.

Also started a new book today. No, I haven't finished Pilgrim Heart, but I needed to start this other one because it's the book for the book club I sort of started. I'm reading Sheila Walsh's new book God has a Dream for your Life. I read the intro and Chapter 1 today. This one is going to hit me where it hurts. Which, of course, is where I need to be hit. I think that's all I'll say on that for now. I've tried to formulate some thoughts on that subject, but they aren't ready to come out just yet.

Also had a friend call today and ask if we could be accountability partners. I was honored. I am also excited. We chatted a while and are both going to pray about this and wait for some guidance as to what that might look like for us. Regular get-togethers? Daily contact? Weekly? We don't know. Neither of us has ever had an accountability partner. Pray over that for us please. And of course, if you've ever had someone like that in your life, feel free to share how that worked.

I'm off to bed now.

Starve a Fever?

2007-04-02T20:10:00.000-05:00

Is it starve a fever, feed a cold? I'm sure it's all an old wive's tale anyway. Here's my day:

Consumption: 2 cups decaf coffe. 1 Cherry Blast XS, 1 bowl leftover potato casserole, 1 chocolate TAMRS with peanut butter & banana (again - it's like a treat!), 1 Strawberry HEB water, 2 Cheetoe Puffs (off Tripp's plate), 1 small bowl of mac-n-cheese. A few doses of Tylenol for the body ache that turned into a full blown fever.

Exercise: Didn't happen due to fever.

Spiritual Development: Quite time at 6:40 this morning before the children got up!!!! I was in Psalm 1 today and the devotional guide I'm using prompted me to think a lot about this bit of poetry. I was reminded that even righteous "trees" bear fruit in their season. Meaning that is is natural, intentional on God's part, and totally normal to go through a winter season with what appears to be no fruit. But God tends his garden of trees. He prunes us when we need it. He waters us when we come to Him. And He takes such joy in watching us bloom in our season. Like the title of Sheila Walsh's book says Life is Tough, but God is Faithful. We must only stay faithful to Him and wait.

Also read a chapter in Pilgrim Heart today. It was on the practice of confession. Something the author, Darryl Tippen, notes is very absent in much of contemporary Christianity. It spoke of the importance to not only confess our own sins (not just to God), but to receive others' confessions and to extend to them the promise of God that our sins will be forgiven. It struck me that my initial post on this blog was a bit of a confession. I confessed a personal struggle and I must say I have been overwhelemed at the response and comments I have received. It would seem that depression, or "blue moods," and the fear of new direction along with hunger for God's voice in our lives has struck a cord. Thank you my friends. Your support and honesty in your comments has built me up and increased my confidence that this journey is one I must take, I must share with others, and that God indeed is faithful.

Day One, Day One, God Made Light When There Was None

2007-04-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry, Tripp has been singing that song all day so it is stuck in my head. So here's day one in a nutshell:

Consumption: Trim Advantage Meal Replacement Shake (milk chocolate with natural peanut butter and a banana thrown in) for breakfast. One XS Tropical Blast energy drink (0 carbs, 0 sugar). Turkey sandwich with a few Toasted Ritz Chips for lunch. One Dr. Pepper & 2 small Swedish fish (the candy) - Easy brought them to me as a "treat" from his excursion to Home Depot today because I had to take Vivian to Urgent Care for her fever/rash that was getting worse. Salad & leftover meatloaf sandwich for dinner. Finishing a bottle of HEB flavored sparkling water ( no caffeine, sodium, or calories!) before bed. Oh, and two Tylenol for the killer body ache I have compliments of my two feverish daughters. :-)

Exercise: Didn't happen.

Spiritual Development: Well, I didn't really have quiet time today, but I did get to go to church...alone. Easy was going to stay home with Viv anyway, and then the other two kids slept to late to make it to early service with me so I went by myself. I worked my shift in the nursery during early service. Class was great - we talked about intentional God-centered traditions we can create in our families. Then I got to go to worship by myself. No kids. I'd call that quiet time! It was a wonderful service. The sermon was very appropriate for me today - it was about not taking excuses to God. Based out of the parable about the rich man throwing a banquet, Monty (our new YM) reminded us that God has given us the ultimate invitation and when we make excuses about why we can't do whatever it is He's calling us to do we are seriously missing out on blessings.

On another note, in my rambling prayers lately I've been pondering/asking why I'm struggling with what seem to be "old demons" to me. Perhaps it is because as I was healed from depression I began following God's call on my life to be a mom. I still feel that call strongly (we better hope I do with 3 kids!), but lately I've been feeling a nudging to broaden my ministry somehow. To me and my human subconscious that is a bit scary. I found a tremendous peace when I became a mother and moving on to "the next stage" in my journey scares me quite a bit. Scares me enough to let Satan stick his foot in the door and try and make me second guess all sorts of things. Well, too bad for you Satan. I'm ready to leave my excuses behind and do whatever it is God has in store for me. If that's continue on the home front, in the nursery ministry, going to work part-time, or something else that hasn't even crossed my mind yet, I'm ready. For now, please pray that I can be patient and listen closely so I will hear His voice leading me the right way.

Starting a New Journey

2007-03-31T15:02:00.000-05:00

So, here's the deal..........I have another blog where I post things about my family and funny stories about the kids, and sometimes some even fairly profound thoughts. It's a great blog, you should read it. If you do that and look at my posts from January you will see some of what my goals for this year are. I've been working on some of it, and some of it I haven't. A full quarter of the year is gone and I find myself thinking, "All this time, and I've made no progress." So, now I have this blog to help me.

As the title implies, I do believe that my body is a temple and the the Spirit of God has residence there. And....he deserves a nicer place. At first thought (back in January) I felt like this was going to need to be a mostly exterior remodel. Clearly this particular house is a little larger than it needs to be and I know that staying that way will make it fall apart before it's time. In the last month, however I've realized how much more so I need to do an interior remodel as well.

For those of you who have known me a while, you know that I have battled depression in my life. Pretty severe depression if we're going to be honest about. Suicide is a word that is still hard for me to say, but there was a time in my life when it was a thought that was frequent. God healed me of that and I have been "well" for several years. As of late, however, I have been recognizing some things in myself that seem frighteningly familiar. We can call it negative thought patterns, or stinkin' thinkin', or cobwebs in the attic. However you call it, I know that Satan if working hard to destroy some of the relationship I have built with my Savior and God. Today, I'm fighting back.

Why this blog? I need some accountability. I need to have a place that each day I can check my progress. Why not keep a regular journal? Because I think there are others out there that need a full remodel and maybe what I'm going through can help them. Also, I have precious loved ones in my life that I know will check in on me via this blog and send encouragement, prayers, and even call me on my crap when I need it. (sorry, I don't say crap much anymore since we had kids, but it really is what I need to be called on.) So, how's this going to work?

Well, my plan is to post daily. Parts of my posts will be boring. Basics like, how my eating was for the day, what exercise I did, etc.... Parts, while still possibly boring, will be a bit less tedious. I want to post daily about my quiet time with God, what I'm learning from scripture, what I'm learning from whatever book I'm reading, what lesson God is teaching me on that day. That sounds kind of daunting to me because I know I will need to be actively searching for the answers to those things daily. That's not something I've been in the habit of doing.

How can you help me? Check on me when you can. Leave comments here so I will know you checked in on me. Call me at 6:45 AM and encourage me to get out of bed and have my quiet time. Just know that if I don't answer the phone I'm either having that quiet time and don't want to be interrupted, or still in bed - but seeing your name on caller ID will certainly convict me and I will get up. (I'm just not much of a talker before 9:00 am) Then check my blog because I will comment on it in that day's post. Mostly, you can help me by praying for me. Pray that I will put God first in my daily life and not just my "global" thinking. Pray that I learn daily. Pray that I'm a better wife to my husband, mom to my kids, and friend to my friends. Pray that I remember that the battle between good and evil that rages around all of us has already been won. Death has been defeated. I am a conqueror in Christ Jesus, and Satan doesn't stand a chance. Pray that for me, and for yourself.

So, tomorrow I will start posting my daily journey. Check in, say hello, and say a prayer.